Jordan

“And Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, "Go and wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored, and you shall be clean." But Naaman was angry and went away, saying, "Behold, I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call upon the name of the Lord his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper. Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them and be clean?" So he turned and went away in a rage. But his servants came near and said to him, "My father, it is a great word the prophet has spoken to you; will you not do it? Has he actually said to you, 'Wash, and be clean'?" So he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God, and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.”

2 Kings 5:10-14 ESV

https://bible.com/bible/59/2ki.5.10-14.ESV

When we embarked on this health journey into our infertility issues, my husband would often remind me of Naaman's story. “We are dipping in the Jordan” he would tell me. This came to be a twofold reminder to both of us as we walk this road and a quick way to refocus when we are discouraged.

First, it is a reminder that there were no shortcuts. Naaman had to dip seven times. Not three, not five...seven. We knew this would be a long journey, not a short walk in the park. So each time there was a new task to complete? “We're dipping in the Jordan.” When we had to learn Creighton Model fertility tracking for 2 months before we could get an appointment at Pope Paul VI Institute? “We're dipping in the Jordan.” Driving up to Omaha six days straight for ultrasounds? Three weeks of getting blood drawn every other day? Diagnostic laparoscopic surgery? You guessed it, dipping in the Jordan.

However, to me, it also became a reminder of God's plan. You see, this wasn't how Naaman thought he should be healed. He thought he would at least see Elisha face-to-face. He complained that there were far superior rivers elsewhere, so why this one? And I get it. This was not how I thought our journey to become parents again would be. I never imagined difficulty and loss at every turn. I never planned to have kids this far apart. I never imagined I'd only have one precious little one for so long. Let's admit it: I, like Naaman, thought God should answer my requests the way I wanted it.

And, yet, God is good. Without our “Jordan” experiences, we wouldn't have the answers that we do today. If there were no “Jordan”, we'd still be looking at quick-fix “solutions” that didn't address any of the underlying problems. And, oh boy, are there problems...

On October 11th, I had my diagnostic laparoscopic surgery as the final step in our diagnostic testing with Pope Paul. Then, on Monday October 15th, we met with my doctor to discuss all the testing I'd undergone and her findings. What she found… Well, I was surprised, to say the least.

Severe endometriosis and polycystic ovaries.

Now, we'd expected to find some endo and she had talked about, if it was minor, she would simply take care of it during the diagnostic surgery. But the amount and the locations where she found it mean that we will be scheduling a second, all-day surgery that includes a second, general surgeon probably sometime in late January. So here's the litany of procedures I will need during that surgery to address all the problems we found:

0. Uterine fibroid removal (only one, super simple, almost not worth mentioning)

1. Endometriosis removal from uterus and bladder

2. Appendectomy

3. Ovarian Wedge Resection (addresses polycystic ovaries)

4. Pelvioplasty- the only procedure insurance will not cover. They will wrap things in Gortex to prevent scar tissue and adhesions from forming. This covering will then be removed 10 days after surgery via another quick laparoscopic procedure.

5. The doozy...Bowel Resection- in order to completely remove the endo, they will need to resection part of my small intestine. This will require a general surgeon and 2 nights in the hospital following surgery.

So here we stand on the banks of the Jordan again, preparing ourselves for the path God has laid out for us, unsure of how many more times we will enter the river. But while we may not yet know the outcome of this journey, we trust in the One who does. He knows the path ahead because He has prepared it for us and us for it. God is in control so we dip in the Jordan, trusting Him for the outcome. He's not finished with us yet.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan

The Shirt

I feel like I can't keep this kid in clothes! Every time I turn around, something is too short, too snug, or just plain too small! It's gotten to the point that when I do his load of laundry each week, I pull out at least one, if not more, pieces of clothing that don't fit (this week, I think I pulled out at least 6).

I've been trying to go through his drawers more regularly of late and rotate out the things I know don't fit. Then I'll pull out things that are the next size larger and move them into rotation. He won't be 4 for another 2 months but I've been removing all the 3T items pretty consistently in favor of 4T and even a good amount of 5T.

That is, except for one shirt...

In the bottom of the back corner of his drawer of shirts, there lives a single 2T shirt. A shirt I know without a shadow of a doubt doesn't fit him. A shirt he only got to wear a couple times over the course of 6 weeks. This shirt.

Until a couple months ago, this shirt was still in his drawer. It lived there for 21 months. Months during which he's told us time and again how he wants another baby (lately it's been a baby sister specifically). Months where he will cradle a stuffed animal or baby doll and call them his baby. It stayed there long after every other 2T shirt was packed away and some 3T too. It stayed there through changing seasons and passing years.

I finally removed it. It was time.

Technically, it was way past time for that shirt to go but it finally came time when I came to terms with that reality. When I came to terms with the fact that removing that shirt did not mean I was removing hope. Because I still have hope.

Hope every month that, even after 2 years of disappointment, I might still get to take a test and see a positive result.

Hope that I'll be able to give my boy the big brother book I still have stashed away for him.

Hope that someday this picture will become a reality and not just playing pretend.

However, my hope isn't in modern medicine, though I avail myself of it. My hope isn't in my cycle charts, though I appreciate all the information they afford me. Because my hope is not in me...

My hope is in the One who time and again has proven Himself faithful; who multiple times provided the miracle of a child to many women throughout the Bible; who is sovereign over even the smallest parts of my body.

"O Lord of hosts, if you will...remember me and not forget your servant..." quoted from 1 Samuel 1:11

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

While I certainly hope and pray daily for a certain outcome in my life, I know that the One who is my Hope transcends even these circumstances and that He is good even if the desired outcome doesn't come. My Hope is not in vain, even when the shirts keep getting outgrown and the tests keep coming out negative. So I continue to hope and pray, for my God is a God of miracles and worthy of my trust.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in him..." Job 13:15a

"For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth." Psalm 71:5

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

By the Numbers

8 - months since our miscarriage.

7 - anniversary we will celebrate later this year.

6 - months ago that we started trying to get pregnant again, post-miscarriage.

5 - years ago that we started intentionally trying to get pregnant.

4 - blood tests to make sure my body realized I wasn't pregnant anymore last year.

3 - failed rounds of Clomid in as many months to end 2016.

2 - lifetime pregnancies.

1 - one live birth; one miscarriage; one enduring deep desire.

More than one...

Before Dan and I got married, before we were even engaged, we had many of the typical conversations for a couple at that stage. We even had what we called "Awkward Questions Weekend" where we could ask any question on our mind, no matter the subject. Of course, one of those topics included our number of desired children.

At the time, I probably said two or three. After talking about it though, the ultimate answer we arrived at, what we would tell people for months and years to come, was "more than one". We made the choice at that time to not limit what God might do in our lives, but to simply express our desire for multiple children.

All these years later, that desire has not faded. In fact, if anything, it has grown stronger. After the loss of our baby last Mother's Day, we feel even more keenly how incomplete our family is.

That pregnancy was unexpected and, in some ways, miraculous considering some of the variables. However, the circumstances almost make it harder to process what has followed. 6 more months of trying, 3 of those with the aid of fertility medication, but with no positive results.

The desire gnaws.

It is something I carry every day, a part of me I cannot quiet or satiate no matter how much I want to. It tugs at my heart every time I see my son interact with a baby. It screams with every new pregnancy or birth announcement. Others may never see it, but it is still there.

My Munchkin visiting a friend who was 11 days new!

I do not know why God has seen fit to tarry in blessing us with more children. I wish I could see what His plan was. But I do know that to Him, He is not tarrying a single second.

"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."
2 Peter 3:8‭-‬9 ESV
http://bible.com/59/2pe.3.8-9.ESV

So in this time of waiting with unfulfilled desires, I have adopted the motto of a dear friend of mine: "Until God tells me no, I will pray, try, and hope." So that is exactly what we will continue to do. We hope the testing this month brings answers. We hope the month off Clomid will help us reset. We hope that God chooses to bless us with another child sooner rather than later. And maybe, someday, my deferred hope will become a fulfilled hope.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12 ESV
http://bible.com/59/pro.13.12.ESV

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan 

The Power of Story - Truth in Parable

The Power of Story – Truth in Parable

I love stories. 

More specifically, I love the way that the background and depth required of good storytelling often unconsciously showcases truth, even truth that the author may not intend to be the focus of the story. Often, when reading or watching a good story, a moment will display truth so forcefully to me that I am startled. Like a lightning flash in a dark night, the truth, once hidden, is now suddenly brightly lit and obvious.

Meghan and I went to see Pixar’s Finding Dory earlier in the summer. Pixar films are always on our list to see in theater since they have such high quality stories. We are such fans that we used a musical theme from a Pixar movie in our wedding! Since we did not see the film on it’s opening weekend, I was aware that the film would deal with issues related to parenting a child with memory problems. I thought this would not be very impactful to me. Yet, as I watched the parents diligently work to help their child (Dory) develop skills that would enable her to function in spite of her handicap in the world, I was unsettled. Something about this seemed familiar. I brushed it off, and went back to enjoying the adventure Dory and the other fish were in.  The moment when Dory is swept away and loses contact with her parents was a dark moment, but it didn’t resonate beyond the movie for me. 

At the end of the film, Dory is once again separated from everyone she knows (a call back to the beginning of the film) and she has no other support…no friends to remind her who she is and where she is trying to go. At that moment, she goes back to the reflexive skills taught to her by her parents, so long ago…and those skills lead her to a line of shells on the sea floor, which she follows, as her parents encouraged Dory to do as a baby. That line of shells turns out to be one of a multitude of shell lines painstakingly laid over the years Dory has been lost.

The storyteller shows, in a simple image of shell lines spiraling out from their home, the depth of the effort Dory’s parents spent for her. They dedicated their lives to instilling reflexes in her that would lead her home…and when she was swept away, they spent the rest of their lives building paths home from every direction. 

Lightning flash.

I suddenly understood the connection. Meghan and I have spent the last two years building into our wonderful little boy. Worrying about his safety, making sure he has the right skills, hoping that we would do the right things to help him be healthy, smart, wise, and that the evil and darkness in this world wouldn’t take him from us. Building paths in his mind that will bring him home to where he is called to go. Just like Dory’s parents, we deal with the fear of the consequences of our actions as parents every day. The effects of ‘failure’ may not be as dramatic as in the film, but they are no less real or painful even to parents of children without the challenges Dory faced. Yet I willingly embrace this responsibility because I love that wonderful bundle of toddler joy. Being his parent fills me with so much joy that I WANT to subject myself to that fear.

This spring, we found out that we were having a second child. We were excited since we have already experienced the amazing experience of welcoming new life into the world and watching him grow. We began planning for the new arrival, and dreaming of who our child might become. We went to our first ultrasound eager to get our first glimpse of this new life. The technician warmed up the equipment and started listening for the baby. If you’ve ever had the privilege of being present for an ultrasound, you know that the event is often full of noise. The technician chatters away, and your wife chatters back, eager to share her joy at the new life growing inside her. Our appointment though, was different. It was quiet, almost silent.

No chatter. No heartbeat. Just the slow, crushing realization of just how terrible silence can be. Our child was no longer alive. We buried our child on Mothers Day.

When a loved one dies, we often grieve by remembering them in life. Their mannerisms, the good times we spent with them, the way they laughed. When your child dies before birth, there is only silence. An emptiness that is suddenly oppressive. There are no memories, nothing to latch onto but the dashed hopes of what might have been.

I have been carrying that emptiness with me from that moment until seeing Finding Dory. When I saw those shell paths, I realized that while my son will require those paths to be built in his mind and in his world…my other child no longer needs them. She is already home. It is no longer my burden to serve her in that way. I can let her go, just as I will have to let my son go as he grows. I may not be able to share the joy of seeing her grow, but I will also not have to live in the constant worry that often accompanies parenting.

Of course, I would prefer the worry and joy of raising the child. How could it be fair or right that my child would die in such a way, before I could even meet her? How can I respond with joy and excitement when friends announce the imminent arrival of their own baby, when all that seems to do is remind me of my own loss?

This inner conflict within reminds me of another story, told long ago by Jesus.

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the marketplace, and to them he said, ‘You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went. Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing. And he said to them, ‘Why do you stand here idle all day?’ They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ He said to them, ‘You go into the vineyard too.’ And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.’ And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, each of them received a denarius. Now when those hired first came, they thought they would receive more, but each of them also received a denarius. And on receiving it they grumbled at the master of the house, saying, ‘These last worked only one hour, and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat.’ But he replied to one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? ’So the last will be first, and the first last.” (Matthew 20:1-16 – emphasis mine)

I agreed with God that he could have my life, and he would give me what was right. There was no contract specifying number of children, or a life free from pain or struggle, or anything like that. I trusted when I gave my life to Him that he would be just, good, righteous. How can I compare what God gives me with the other laborers in his vineyard? He is doing me no wrong. Children are his gift, and he can give or withhold or take as he chooses.

What remains is that I must live and tell my story. I cannot possibly try to live anyone else’s story as well as mine. Perhaps the darkness of parts of my story will allow the lightning flash of truth to be all the brighter to the soul who needs to see it. My response to this darkness must be to take it to Jesus (who is no stranger to tears). He is the only one who knows my full story, and can give what is necessary to live it well. I am resolved, then, to wait and hope that he will grant me the strength to fulfill the full measure of the story he is writing with me.

Book Review: My Bedtime Story Bible

"My Bedtime Story Bible" is a darling children's bedtime story book filled with characters from the Bible as they settle down for a good night's sleep. It has tips for making the stories more personal for your little one along with "Tuck In" boxes that give suggestions on things to pray about at the end of every story. Each tale is very short, only 2 pages apiece, making them a good choice for a quick bedtime story. The focus on the character going to sleep also makes it a fun choice to help little ones identify with the characters as they get ready for bed.

Both my husband and I have enjoyed reading stories out of this book to our little boy. The illustrations are cute and brightly colored and the breadth of Biblical characters covered is impressive. However, there are a couple of drawbacks in our opinions. One, the stories seem way too short, especially when most of the board books you can read to little ones are longer than these stories. Two, sometimes the stories seem to lack content. We have found ourselves wishing that the story covered more of the actual Biblical story of the character being profiled instead of only vague references.

Overall a cute read with some fun little bedtime stories. Once Little Man can read, this will probably be a good pick to allow him to practice reading. :)

Overall rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan


Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Don't Worry...

I think God is trying to teach me something...

You know sometimes how multiple things will all happen in a short time frame that all address the same issue? And you're certain that God is just nudging you, asking "Are you paying attention?" Well, it's been like that for me the past couple weeks.

It all started with this song:

 "If we're gonna pray about it, there's no use in worrying.
If we're gonna worry about it, why are we praying?
Just leave it in the hands of the Father
Leave it in the hands of the Healer
Leave it in the hands of Jesus and Walk Away..."
~"Hands of the Healer", Brandon Heath

And then our pastor preached on worry this past Sunday:

"Worry is the emotional reward for material preoccupation." Wow...

My husband had agreed to cover for our Sunday School teacher next week so after church, we picked up the new materials from him. Turns out the material is different character studies from the Old Testament. And then we found out who he would be teaching on...Hannah. (For those who don't know Hannah's story, you can check it out in 1 Samuel 1.)

Hannah's story has been resonating with me lately. You see, Dan and I have known for a long time that we wanted children. We started talking about raising a family before we were even engaged while we were getting to know each other. We even made it one of our goals to be pregnant by our second anniversary.

Obviously, God had other ideas.

You see, after our first anniversary, we stopped trying to avoid pregnancy. Just a couple months later, we actively were trying to conceive. That was more than a year ago now...

When I met with my doctor in October, she looked at my NFP charts and we chatted for a bit about where Dan and I were at and what our goals were. We discussed steps I could take to try and help and that, if nothing happened, I should set up an appointment with her in 6 months to discuss our testing options. Since we'd already been trying for a bit, she didn't want to make me wait the traditional year. She was really sweet (I love when meeting new docs goes well) and even said that she hoped she got to see me sooner for better reasons (i.e. being pregnant).

Obviously, God has other ideas.

Our appointment to meet with her to discuss our options and first steps is in mid-June. We had hoped to avoid this journey. Yet at the same time, we knew it was very possible we would be asked to walk this path since both of our moms had issues getting pregnant and, once they did, were considered high-risk. So we knew it was a possibility, one that seems to be becoming a reality.

And this is why I think God has been putting all these "moments" in my life lately. Moments of telling me "I've got this." Whispering "I know your heart" and "Trust me." Only He knows what the future holds and, if I'm going to (and have been) pray about it, then what's the use of worrying? "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (Luke 12:25)

So I'm thankful for small reminders, even when they pull at my heart and remind me of this desire. I'm grateful for that still, small voice that reminds me of how He holds me in His hands. So now I will attempt to do my part and leave it in the hands of the Healer.

Because God's plans are always the best.

Thank you for reading. I know this is longer and deeper than I may usually go in my writing so I appreciate you sticking it out to the end. :) Prayers are greatly cherished as we begin our walk down what could be a difficult road.

Soli Deo Gloria (Glory to God Alone),
Meghan

Following A Call

When we moved out here to Nebraska, we weren't just following a job offer, we believed we were following a call. For months, we had been praying that God would show us if we were to remain where we were or if we needed to move in order to follow His leading for our lives. He made that answer pretty clear when Dan lost his job and then got the offer here in Lincoln.

And now we're taking the next (slightly scary!) step towards the life we believe God is leading us towards.

Today was my last day at my job.

Ever since before we were married, Dan and I had discussed how we wanted me to be able to stay home when we had children. But we also talked about how it would nice if I were able to stay home even before children came into the picture. And now we get to make that hope and dream a reality.

We believe this is the life God has called and led us to live. Each step has been covered in prayer, each conversation lifted up to our loving heavenly Father. God has been guiding us in this as we have sought to live by Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

God has straightened this path as we've walked it in the past couple of weeks. We're excited to see what He has in store in the weeks and months to come.

So after 4 years at Booz Allen Hamilton, I guess there is only one things left to say...

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Sneak

It snuck up on me, this move to Nebraska. One day, it's just a job interview, then an offer the next week. A month later it's a start date that's still over a month away. Then it's scheduling the movers/packers to come in two weeks.

But now?

Now, we drive away this evening.

It's been hard to say goodbye to those we know and love here. Many tears have been shed and hugs exchanged. I feel like we are leaving behind so much but I also know that God has opened this door to give us so much more. He's also been helping me to remember that I'm not leaving everything behind, I'm taking a part of it with me in my heart. I carry the love of friends and family with me, something I could never simply forget to pack.

So as we pull out this evening, know that I carry you with me, friends.  I carry the memories we've made, the fun we've shared, and the tears we've cried. I look forward to sharing our future adventures with you, whether that's in person or electronically. Please continue to share yours with me as well. :) I look forward to hearing how God continues to work in your life.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." ~Numbers 6:24-26

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Redeem the Time

When I was on my Emmaus Walk at the beginning of May, one phrase that God brought to mind over and over again was "Redeem the time". I knew I had heard the phrase (or something similar) in Scripture before so I tried to find what my brain was recalling but the small concordance in my Bible didn't help and I couldn't seem to remember exact references.

When I got back home from the weekend I tried looking up the exact phrase but to no avail. Thankfully, BlueLetterBible.org and BibleGateway.com had plenty of translation options and searching abilities to help me find the verses I was trying to find. Because, believe it or not, just putting in "redeem the time" got me nowhere.

There were two verses that were floating around in my mind during that Emmaus weekend:

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Ephesians 5:15-17 (ESV)

"Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person." Colossians 4:5-6 (ESV)

Now, obviously neither of these have the actual phrase "redeem the time" (mostly translation choices), but I still believe God led me to these Scriptures through that phrase and showed me another way to think of it: "best use of the time".

The Greek word used for "making the most" or "best use" is exagorazō. According to Strong's, it is used only 4 times in the Bible: the two instances I listed above, Galatians 3:13, and Galatians 4:5. While Ephesians and Colossians are both speaking of time and our lives, Galatians uses the word in a different context: Jesus redeeming us from under the Law through His sacrifice.

It's an interesting concept to me right now, both because of my Emmaus weekend (with its theme of "Be Still") and the upcoming move to Nebraska (where I have a chance to begin a new schedule). In order to redeem something, a price must be paid, a sacrifice made. So, in order to make wise use of my time, to "redeem" it, I have to sacrifice something.

What does that look like? I don't know that I know yet. I have a few ideas (one of which is reducing "screen" time) but they're still floating around. I'm hoping with the move to Nebraska that I will be able to begin a new schedule that redeems more of my time and makes better use of it. :)

What are some of your ideas to redeem your time?

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Movies as Food for My Soul

Meghan and I don't often go to the theater to see a movie when it first comes out. Usually we wait to see if the film is any good before risking the 'buyers' remorse' on those high priced tickets. But, this year, we have been looking forward to three films that come out in 2012.

#1 Brave

...because it's Pixar, and we are big fans of Pixar. Almost everything they do is high quality, even the short films. If you've never seen a Pixar movie because you think they are 'for kids'...go see one. The plots are written for all ages.

#2 The Hobbit

...because I have a weakness for Tolkien, and grand travel adventure stories. Of course, I freely admit that I am mostly looking forward to the final battle against Smaug, which won't be in part 1. However, the chance to have a good film adaptation of such a strong story just draws me in.

And #3 Les Miserables

...because it is real, at least to me this year.



It is this 'reality' that makes 'Les Mis' the one movie that I am looking forward to seeing most this year. For those unfamiliar with the plot, the story follows one Jean Valjean, a poor laborer who stole a loaf of bread in his youth, and has spent the last 19 years as a prisoner. The story follows his life, and the lives of those who interact with him, from the moment of his release from prison, until his death.

The main theme of the story is the response of the human soul to the consequences of its own mistakes. For instance, let's take the woman singing in the trailer, Fantine. The song is her story, here are the complete lyrics:

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Fantine sings of her love and dream to live with her man, even though he has abandoned her (and their child) to a life of poverty and suffering. And so she recognizes that 'there are dreams that cannot be.' The 'tigers' have come and destroyed all her hopes and dreams for the future. I never understood exactly what Fantine was singing about until this May.

I made an 'error of judgement', and did something I had sworn I would never do. I knew the action was wrong, but I did it anyway. And so now the consequences have come...and like tigers in the night, they have torn my hopes apart, and turned my dreams into shame. Nothing can save me from the consequences of this choice...not magical fairy spells (a la Brave), or an all-powerful ring or a wizard for a friend (as in The Hobbit). I am completely at the mercy of my failure.

Or am I?

Jean Valjean is in a similar position in the film. He, however, is shown the grace of God through the love of a priest upon his life. Of this experience he sings:

One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul,
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
And I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!

Is there another way to go? YES! I must go to God...and THIS is why I am so excited to see 'Les Mis' when it comes out in December. The plot of this movie reminds me that, even though I have failed, even though I have made bad choices, even though I have betrayed trust, even though my circumstances are punishing my poor judgement, God still loves me. God is still wanting to use my life, to show me grace, to allow me joy.

Is the movie sad? Undoubtedly. Will there be tear-jerking moments? Absolutely. But I will gladly take those moments if they will push me closer to Christ. As Paul says to the Corinthians:

"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

In other words, the sorrow that the movie will bring, will work a great deal more good in me than the momentary joy from the typical movie. This is not to knock the idea of going to see movies like Brave and The Hobbit, but I find that they do not feed my soul as well as a movie like Les Miserables will. I know that I will need that 'real' food to help me forget what is behind, and to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

As Valjean sings:

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
...
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on

...and so I journey on...

In His strength,
Daniel

Provision

Recently, I found myself thinking about how God will provide for our needs. The theme is mentioned over and over in Scripture how God provides for His people and how He is Jehovah-Jireh, God Who Sees/Provides.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

The Greek word used here for "will supply" was often translated as "fulfill" as well. God will FULFILL our needs! Not just provide for them or meet us halfway, but entirely fulfill our needs.

Until recently, I kept telling myself that God will provide for our next step in life. We've been looking towards the future and have wanted to start arranging our lives for that purpose. We've been praying and seeking God's plans and talking about what we believe His will is for our lives. But as time kept passing without seemingly any real, concrete movement in some direction, part of me became discouraged. That is until I realized it had nothing to do with me and what we were trying to do.

At one point recently, instead of telling myself "God will provide", I found myself thinking "God HAS TO provide!" When I stopped to consider that thought it occurred to me that I/we could do nothing past a certain amount of effort to move in the direction we believe God is leading us. It's up to Him to take my meager efforts, offered to Him as completely inadequate, and make something wonderful from them. He does indeed have to provide if this is, in fact, His will for our lives.

So we keep plodding along, waiting in faith for something beyond our control to happen, partnering with God to do what we can. Our trust is in Him and His love for us as His children. I know He has to provide in this case. For now, the struggle is to throw off my ideas of how that should look or what time frame it should follow. His ways are not my ways.

They are significantly better. :)

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Generosity

"You made my day!"

How much do we love hearing those words? Or, instead, how awesome does it feel when someone does that for you and you get to tell them that they made your day? But have you ever thought what might have gone on behind the scenes for them to be able to leave that impression?

It struck me this past weekend that often blessings in our lives come from sacrifices in the life of someone else.

I had the opportunity to offer a concert ticket to someone who had always wanted to hear the choir that was singing but had never had the chance. They were so excited and I loved hearing that I had made such an impact on their day. But a small bit of sadness settled in later when it occurred to me that the reason I was able to offer this opportunity was that my husband would be on travel and wouldn't be able to attend like we had originally planned.

In the end, his trip changed and we got an extra ticket so that we could all go to the concert but it still got me thinking...how often are there sacrifices I never know of in the lives of those around me that have benefited me in some way?

Something to think about...


"Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:7-8

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Catching up...Acts 9-12

Hi everyone!

So I've gotten a little behind in my readings and postings... :\

Here's the next set of chapter observations! Enjoy!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan


Acts 9
I wonder what Saul's companions thought since they heard everything but didn't see the light. I imagine it was quite a frightening experience, especially once they realized that Saul had been blinded. I also have to wonder how scared Ananias must have been. He knew exactly what Saul had been sent to do and following God's will meant revealing himself to the very man that had come to arrest people like him (or worse). And yet Ananias followed God's commands as did Saul, despite the hardships it might/would bring them. Oh to have such faith in the face of trial! It's easy to see why the Jews in Damascus would want to kill Saul since they probably thought his preaching was a trap meant to capture true believers. But God used Barnabas, mentioned in Acts 4 (sold the field), to act as a liaison and peacemaker between Saul and the disciples. I did notice that Saul has not become Paul yet. For some reason, I had thought this happened sooner, pretty much right after the healing in Damascus.

Acts 10
I think the story of Cornelius is a wonderful example of how our personal faith can impact others. Several times he is referred to as righteous and God-fearing though he is a Gentile. One of his soldiers is called devout, most likely due to the influence of his leader. God even used his faith to teach Peter about God's acceptance of all who seek him, whether Jew or Gentile. I love how God prepares Peter before he even knows what will occur or where he will be sent. I think it's a great example of the cliche "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called." God readied Peter's heart for the task at hand, opening his eyes to the diversity of God's people.
Peter's message to Cornelius and his family is a great structure example for how to share the gospel with those around us. First he reminds them of what they know and that Jesus was the Messiah. Then he offers up his own testimony of being with Jesus and what he commands us to do (preach and testify) and lays out the necessary steps in order to have a relationship with Christ (believe in him for forgiveness of sins and be baptized). I may need to study this more in order to be better prepared in my own life to share the Gospel.

Acts 11
"Who was I to think that I could stand in God’s way?" Wow... How often through my daily thoughts and actions do I stand in the way of God's will being accomplished? I'm afraid to admit that it's probably more often than I think. How much more could I accomplish for the kingdom if I simply let God have his way in my life and trusted him completely? “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”
And again, Saul is still Saul and not Paul. I seriously thought his name had changed by this point in the story but I guess I was wrong. I guess we're taught so often about how Saul changed his ways on the road to Damascus and later changed his name to Paul that we come to associate the two events as synonymous when in fact they are chapters apart. Looking forward to pushing ahead to find out when it really does happen since my memory has failed me. :)

Acts 12
After his vision of the sheet with animals coming down from heaven, I don't blame Peter for thinking the angel leading him out of prison was a vision. He probably thought there was no way this could be real and that he could just walk out of prison without the guards seeing him. I love the phrasing about how Peter "came to himself" and "when this had dawned on him". He truly had no clue what was going on, it was all God's doing, not of Peter's own power. Unfortunately, we also have another martyr for the faith, James, the brother of John and one of Jesus' 3 closest disciples, also at the hand of Herod. He was the first of the original apostles to be martyred. I think it was only common sense for Peter to get out of town quickly after telling the believers about what had happened. When Peter was found missing, Herod had the guards killed and I can only assume had he been able to get his hands on Peter, he wouldn't have just been put back in prison. God is truly just though and Herod received his death at the hand of God himself when he allowed the people to call him a "god" and didn't give the glory to God.

Side note: This is not the same Herod that killed John the Baptist or took part in Jesus' trial. This is Herod Agrippa I (10 B.C.-A.D. 44), grandson of Herod the Great (Lk 1:5) and nephew of Herod the Tetrarch (Lk 3:19; 13:31; 23:7-12). Thought others might find this interesting :)

Acts 5-8

Hope you enjoyed the update on the garden last week :) I got a little behind updating the blog on Acts so I'm posting 4 chapters this time around. Going to be out of town for a wedding this weekend so I might try to get another post up before we leave later this week. For now, enjoy!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan


Acts 5
Right at the end of Chapter 4, we saw the Levite Joseph/Barnabas sell a piece of property and bring the whole amount of money to the apostles. Now, we see another example of selling land and giving with Ananias and Sapphira, but they conspired to lie in order to make themselves appear better in the eyes of others. I don't think anything was wrong with them giving only a portion of the profit but most definitely in claiming that it was the whole amount and trying to deceive the others into thinking they were being pious when they were simply being greedy but wanted to hide behind a facade of self-righteousness.

"Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.” I love this recommendation from Gamaliel when the Sanhedrin were trying to stop the apostles from preaching. He breathes some much needed sense into the conversation. I also think it applies in our lives today too. Like the elders, I can become jealous of what others are doing for God but I need to learn how he wants me to use my own talents and gifts to serve Him. I can't compare how he's working in someone else's life since we do not possess the same gifts. I do not want to be fighting against God and what he wants to accomplish in my own life.

Acts 6
I think this is a great illustration of the need for many to be serving in the church and not placing a burden on the few. With numbers growing to over 5,000 men (not to mention women and children), it is inconceivable that the 12 apostles could serve these new believers all by themselves. It required godly help in the form of fellow devout believers who were gifted (full of the Spirit and wise) to do so. I need to remember that I should not look for what I can get from the Body of Christ but what I can give. Yes, there will be instruction and wisdom I can glean and people I should be discipled by but I also need to be actively looking for the opportunities where my gifts can be exercised and my talents used to the glory of God. Here, 7 men were called to service and because of their willingness to serve and follow God's will "the word of God spread" and the "number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly".

Part of me felt like I was left hanging at the end of Chapter 6 and wanted to keep reading to 7! We see the synagogue leadership using the same false witness ploy that they used to convict Jesus as well. These men were not happy that they lost when arguing against Stephen and the wisdom of the Spirit so they found some way to get rid of him. Just because others are not going to tolerate or accept what the truth of God is doesn't mean I should cease speaking the truth. Peter and John didn't in the previous chapters, despite floggings and jail and now Stephen is preaching when others would silence him. We are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who have gone before and faced the same difficulties. I should take heart when reading their stories and continue to proclaim God's good news!

Acts 7
Stephen directly addresses the accusations that he spoke blasphemy against Moses by recounting the Israelites history, demonstrating his knowledge and belief. I wonder if most of the Sanhedrin were caught off guard by the end of Stephen's speech. I can see how they would agree with all the history he was quoting and were probably thinking they would have a hard time convicting him at that point. But then he wraps the entire message up by pointing them to the culmination of those prophecies, Jesus, and they're part in his death. When he pronounces his vision of Christ at God's right hand, they physically cover their ears and I can't help but think about all the times Jesus said they had ears but did not hear or understand. They refused to listen anymore and didn't just close of their minds or ears, they yelled, attempting to drown out anything else Stephen might have had to say. But he still had a message and it was one of surrender and forgiveness, echoing the Savior's words on the cross. It's amazing to see such an example of Christ-likeness. It's easy to attribute that to the fact that this was the early church and that they had seen and walked with Jesus, but if I were to be honest I would have to admit that the same attitude is available to me. I need to follow Christ just as closely because he is with me always. If Christ is truly my first priority, it will begin to show in my attitude and actions towards others, just as it did in the life of Stephen.

Acts 8
It makes sense to me that, the day the first martyr is killed, persecution would begin to spread. The Sanhedrin allowing Stephen to be stoned was all the permission others would need to attack the early church. However, it had unintended consequences: the Word of God was spread even further. In fact, the wording at the end of verse 1 echoes the Great Commission: "throughout Judea and Samaria". What began in Jerusalem was intended to spread throughout the whole Earth and persecution was the impetus for the beginning of the dispersion. Philip ends up in Samaria where we see a man named Simon believe and be baptized. However, Simon had trouble letting go of his former thoughts and ways of thinking from his life as a sorcerer. He thinks that he needs to buy God's blessing from the disciples. Sometimes, I need to be called out for the negative way of thinking otherwise I will become captive to it. Here, Peter rightly discerns that Simon needs to be corrected so that his heart will be right before God and he can grow as a Christian. In effect, Peter acted as a mentor would, pointing out that which needed to be changed. I think it's important for us to be in community with more mature believers so that we can learn from them and be taught by them. We are not built to do life alone, but rather as a community.