Six Years

This September, we celebrated six years of living in Nebraska! I love Nebraska. This is where we've spent the majority of our married lives so far. This is where my son was born, where I became first a stay-at-home wife then a stay-at-home Momma. We bought our first house here and made it a home. We've made friends and walked through pretty much every major life-changing event with them from weddings to births to funerals. I have really loved living in Nebraska.

But… (you knew it was coming, didn't you?)

We won't make it to 7 years. God (and GSK) has seen fit to open the door for us to relocate for Dan's job. Where you may ask?

New Jersey.

Or at least that's where Dan's office will be. God has a sense of humor because this was one state I told my husband where I didn't really want to live. I guess I've been spoiled by the slower pace of life in the cornhusker state. ;) Nevertheless, this is where our next adventure is heading.

Thankfully, we have time. With Munchkin's school year and especially the medical testing and surgeries I've been undergoing, the company is giving us some leniency in the timing of our move. We're looking at a late spring 2019 date as our departure time frame which gives us ~6-7 months right now, give or take.

So we're forming our bucket list for Nebraska alongside our to-do list for New Jersey. One of the things that's been hard for me to process is that we've already had so many “lasts” here in Nebraska and didn't even realize it. And now that I can realize it, I'm an emotional mess as we continue to experience more “lasts”.

We have truly enjoyed our time calling Nebraska “home”. We will always carry a piece of it with us, no matter where we may end up. And we will certainly always carry our friendships and the people we've met in our hearts. Thank you for being a part of our journey and this chapter of our story.

Here's to the next chapter and more adventures!

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan

Guilty/Not Guilty

Oh, mommas. My heart hurt so much the other day. Let me explain.

My Munchkin has a little buddy that is almost his same age. His mom and I are both first time moms though she is several years my junior. When I saw her the other week to pass along some extra clothes another friend had shared with me, she mentioned that her tyke was sick with the flu and we talked about how hard it is for little ones. Just days later, she called me. Her little guy had shared and now she was sick and, for health reasons, unable to take typical OTC meds that would have helped.

Learning to love the white stuff ;)

We talked for a while about how hard it is to parent when you're sick. I related how my whole family had been sick a couple months ago and how sometimes you have to just dig down deep and find some extra strength to push through and other times you just need to curl up on the couch and watch the little one play. And that's when it happened. She basically asked me if that was okay, if it was okay for her to rest while she was sick. It seems that was the purpose of her call and it broke my heart. I told her that of course it was okay if she laid down and simply watched her boy play instead of pushing herself to engage beyond her energy. Of course it was okay to take care of herself and heal. My heart broke thinking of how many of us feel we need permission to do what is necessary in the face of what we feel we "should" do.

Being a first-time mom can be so hard. Throw in our own, often unrealistic, expectations of ourselves on top of the already hard work of raising littles and often the mommy guilt isn't far behind. We try to keep going, keep moving, keep doing for the sake of feeling accomplished. As a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) sometimes I feel I haven't succeeded if I haven't been constantly going and doing all day long or if I don't have something to physically show for the work I've done. My wonderful husband has really helped me to recognize this guilt when it creeps up and encourages me by helping me see all that I have done, even if it's "only" raising my little adventurer. Sometimes I simply need to realize that making it to the end of the day with a Munchkin that has been loved and fed is enough, even if my house didn't get cleaned or laundry didn't get done. Besides, who doesn't love a pajama day every once in a while? ;)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29, NIV)

Jesus's way is not one of false guilt or running ourselves ragged trying to keep up with everyone and everything. It invites us to rest in Him, to find our strength and expectations outside of ourselves. It draws us into a relationship, not a frenzy of activity or to-do-lists. So let's link arms with the mommas around us and encourage them as they seek to find rest in the hurricane. Raising littles is hard enough already without piling false guilt on ourselves. Let's help each other to lay that burden down at the feet of our Maker and "find rest for [our] souls".

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Following A Call

When we moved out here to Nebraska, we weren't just following a job offer, we believed we were following a call. For months, we had been praying that God would show us if we were to remain where we were or if we needed to move in order to follow His leading for our lives. He made that answer pretty clear when Dan lost his job and then got the offer here in Lincoln.

And now we're taking the next (slightly scary!) step towards the life we believe God is leading us towards.

Today was my last day at my job.

Ever since before we were married, Dan and I had discussed how we wanted me to be able to stay home when we had children. But we also talked about how it would nice if I were able to stay home even before children came into the picture. And now we get to make that hope and dream a reality.

We believe this is the life God has called and led us to live. Each step has been covered in prayer, each conversation lifted up to our loving heavenly Father. God has been guiding us in this as we have sought to live by Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

God has straightened this path as we've walked it in the past couple of weeks. We're excited to see what He has in store in the weeks and months to come.

So after 4 years at Booz Allen Hamilton, I guess there is only one things left to say...

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Movies as Food for My Soul

Meghan and I don't often go to the theater to see a movie when it first comes out. Usually we wait to see if the film is any good before risking the 'buyers' remorse' on those high priced tickets. But, this year, we have been looking forward to three films that come out in 2012.

#1 Brave

...because it's Pixar, and we are big fans of Pixar. Almost everything they do is high quality, even the short films. If you've never seen a Pixar movie because you think they are 'for kids'...go see one. The plots are written for all ages.

#2 The Hobbit

...because I have a weakness for Tolkien, and grand travel adventure stories. Of course, I freely admit that I am mostly looking forward to the final battle against Smaug, which won't be in part 1. However, the chance to have a good film adaptation of such a strong story just draws me in.

And #3 Les Miserables

...because it is real, at least to me this year.



It is this 'reality' that makes 'Les Mis' the one movie that I am looking forward to seeing most this year. For those unfamiliar with the plot, the story follows one Jean Valjean, a poor laborer who stole a loaf of bread in his youth, and has spent the last 19 years as a prisoner. The story follows his life, and the lives of those who interact with him, from the moment of his release from prison, until his death.

The main theme of the story is the response of the human soul to the consequences of its own mistakes. For instance, let's take the woman singing in the trailer, Fantine. The song is her story, here are the complete lyrics:

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Fantine sings of her love and dream to live with her man, even though he has abandoned her (and their child) to a life of poverty and suffering. And so she recognizes that 'there are dreams that cannot be.' The 'tigers' have come and destroyed all her hopes and dreams for the future. I never understood exactly what Fantine was singing about until this May.

I made an 'error of judgement', and did something I had sworn I would never do. I knew the action was wrong, but I did it anyway. And so now the consequences have come...and like tigers in the night, they have torn my hopes apart, and turned my dreams into shame. Nothing can save me from the consequences of this choice...not magical fairy spells (a la Brave), or an all-powerful ring or a wizard for a friend (as in The Hobbit). I am completely at the mercy of my failure.

Or am I?

Jean Valjean is in a similar position in the film. He, however, is shown the grace of God through the love of a priest upon his life. Of this experience he sings:

One word from him and I'd be back
Beneath the lash, upon the rack
Instead he offers me my freedom
I feel my shame inside me like a knife
He told me that I have a soul,
How does he know?
What spirit comes to move my life?
Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall
And the night is closing in
And I stare into the void
To the whirlpool of my sin
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!

Is there another way to go? YES! I must go to God...and THIS is why I am so excited to see 'Les Mis' when it comes out in December. The plot of this movie reminds me that, even though I have failed, even though I have made bad choices, even though I have betrayed trust, even though my circumstances are punishing my poor judgement, God still loves me. God is still wanting to use my life, to show me grace, to allow me joy.

Is the movie sad? Undoubtedly. Will there be tear-jerking moments? Absolutely. But I will gladly take those moments if they will push me closer to Christ. As Paul says to the Corinthians:

"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

In other words, the sorrow that the movie will bring, will work a great deal more good in me than the momentary joy from the typical movie. This is not to knock the idea of going to see movies like Brave and The Hobbit, but I find that they do not feed my soul as well as a movie like Les Miserables will. I know that I will need that 'real' food to help me forget what is behind, and to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

As Valjean sings:

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
...
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on

...and so I journey on...

In His strength,
Daniel

Once in a Lifetime

Tuesday, April 17th, 2012, I had the opportunity to experience a once-in-a-lifetime event. The Space Shuttle Discovery was flown from Kennedy Space Center in Florida to Dulles Airport in Virginia. And it just so happens that the building I normally work in at Dulles has a wonderful view of the airport. :)

Wide Angle shot

 

Approach for the first flyover of Dulles

It was such an amazing sight to see but kind of a sad one too. I used to want to be an astronaut when I was younger (specifically a payload specialist/scientist). My grandmother even bought me a replica of the jumpsuits for Space Camp. I wore it for Halloween several years. :) My parents used to live near Edwards Air Force Base and would watch this same sight when the shuttle needed to land in California then be ferried back to Florida. Mom even told me that one of my granfathers worked on the shuttle program.

Now that the shuttle program is ending and the shuttles retired, it's also the last time this amazing site will be seen. Well, for Discovery at least. Enterprise will be ferried from Virginia to New York on Friday (weather and other conditions permitting). Endeavor will be ferried to Los Angeles sometime this fall. But for Discovery, the journey has ended here. It will be intriguing to see what the next chapter holds for space exploration.

Banking to make the approach for landing

Godspeed Discovery!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Hotel

(*I apologize in advance as this turned into a bit of a rant...you've been warned.*)

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? I have stayed in a myriad of them over the course of my life. For the most part, I haven't minded most of them and the occasional annoyance can be overlooked in light of the short stay. But there's one hotel that I'm not really a fan of...my workplace.

You see, to make the offices more flexible and allow people to work closer to where they live, the company I work for removed most of the assigned office spaces and made it "hoteling" space in the DC area. Basically, I have to reserve a desk to work at each day I plan on being in the office. But I can only have 5 office reservations at a time. And I have to cart my laptop back and forth between my home and the office.

The system is supposed to be helpful for everyone as it allows people to move around more freely and not be tied down to one office. It allows them to work at the office closest to where they live (the office they "map" to) with the flexibility to visit other offices as needed for meetings, etc. And it theory, it's a great idea.

It would be a fabulous idea...if I were allowed to work from the closest office more often. I'm working with a team based an hour away near Dulles Airport in Virginia. Because no one there knew me in the beginning, they wanted me to be in the office so people could get to know me and so the team could gel since this was an entirely new contract. Okay, I get it and agreed to be there for a time. In December, I was allowed to go back to working from home one day a week which was wonderful, especially since it meant using less gas and one less day paying the toll to get home (which is now $2.25 one way).

But living an hour away from the office and having to fight Beltway traffic takes its toll. The knowledge that I'm passing at least 4 other offices on the way doesn't help either. And now, the company has released what it considers to be the "Guiding Principles" for this system and the first one listed is flexibility! One of the statements in there is that staff can work anywhere (subject, of course, to client requirements which is understandable). Here's hoping my project manager is listening!

One of the big downsides to hoteling in general, in my opinion, is the utter lack of any personalization in my workspace since I have no stable space. It just feels so drab and utilitarian. There was actually a study a couple of months ago that said workers are more productive if they have pictures of family and loved ones in their workspace. I believe it...

Basically, I can see the benefits for people who move around frequently or who usually work on site with clients. I think more of the benefits of the system would be realized if managers were more willing to work with a geographically dispersed team. I think there's still some ingrained thought patterns in the working world that make dispersed working an uphill battle. And I'm caught on the front lines...

</End Rant>

Thanks for letting me vent! :)

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

On Commuting...

So recently, I started some new work with my employer after a gap in contracts. It's good and stretching me to learn new things. I like the team I'm working with and meeting new clients. But there's one thing that has been a major adjustment...

The Commute.

After a year of working from home, I'm now back on the road. No big deal for the most part. The only catch is that the office my team is based at is an hour from my home. And I live in the DC area. Needless to say it's been a bit of a transition for us. God has given me much strength and I've been able to get out early in the morning and avoid the worst of the morning rush hour. But in this town, there's no avoiding the afternoon/evening rush hour.

In fact, last night (11/10/11), it took me almost two and a half hours to get home. That's over two hours to go only 33 miles from the office to home. Ridiculous! I was able to talk to my husband for much of the drive which always helps but it was still frustrating to sit in a combination of rain-induced delays (people here seem to forget how to drive if it rains) and the Veterans' Day extended weekend holiday traffic.

One of the nice things of being in the car though is the chance to listen to CDs. I've listened to radio dramas and sermons and now I have several books on CD on reserve at the library. :) The radio is nice but the dramas, sermons, and books are a little more intellectually stimulating for me and make the commute at least a little more interesting instead of hearing the same songs play on the radio all the time.

So what do you like to do in the car when you have to drive? How do you pass the time?

Happy Driving!
Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Factual Friday: Blogging...

Fact: I’ve been a very, very bad blogger :(

My apologies, friends. I have done a horrible job of updating my blog lately. In fact, it has been over two months since my last update. Life has been getting busier between wedding planning and my normal activities and the contract I work on has been picking up as well which has kept me busy all around.

Dan and I have been finalizing details for our wedding little by little. Most of the major players are in place and we are now simply biding our time and getting smaller projects done as we can. We went apartment hunting a couple of weekends ago which was productive and then spent a weekend in Chicago to see Ted Dekker and visit one of my bridesmaids (Danielle) who lives there. We overcame a very daunting task that I had been putting off for awhile...tackling my storage unit. I rent a 5’x15’ storage unit in town and it is pretty much packed to the gills. We started going through it to see what we need to get rid of and to find out what exactly is in there (some of it’s been there for a couple of years!). We also spent a couple of weekends with Dan’s parents at the beginning of this month and put in an apartment application (it got accepted!), had our menu tasting at the reception venue, and booked our honeymoon!! :D We also worked out some details for the Michigan reception in October.

So please accept my sincere apologies. But also know that this may become a norm for awhile as my days stay packed with work, life and wedding activities. I miss you, my readers, and hope to be back to regular posting at some point. :) For now, please accept my apologies and enjoy the random posting.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

The Suit

Yesterday, I wore a suit. Not really a big deal. I work in an office so I have to dress professionally anyway, but yesterday I had a meeting at our corporate offices in Virginia so I decided to step up my game and wear one of the three suits that I own. Not an unreasonable action given the circumstances.

But something felt weird. Each time I saw myself in the mirror, I felt like I wasn’t seeing me. Nothing was different except the suit. I’ve worn suits before, both for work and for other events (example: Focus on the Family Institute picture day). I looked like I fit right in with the corporate environment I was in. And I think that might have been the issue.

Seeing myself in that light made me confront the fact that I don’t desire to be doing this my whole life. When the time comes, I want to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. Why then would I want to fit in at a place I know is only temporary? Why would I want to fit in there?

But it remains that this is where God has me now. I need to be faithful to the task at hand that He has granted me. What I long for is a good thing and something I hope God will one day grant, but that is not my place in life right now. A wise person once passed this Jim Elliot quote on to me: “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.”

Even Godly desires can be wrong if they are not committed fully to the One who has given them and applied at the appropriate time. Psalm 37:4 states, “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” We are quick to quote the second half of this verse without considering the first part. We want to think that God will simply give us what we want but we need to be seeking after Him and looking to follow His will. Then, our desires will align with His and the desire of our heart will be God’s heart and His plan for our life. He is ready and willing to grant what His own heart desires.

I am glad that God has given me the desires that He has. I know they are good and part of His will for my life down the road. Learning to live with these desires when He has not yet granted them, giving them to Him, seeking His will, and learning patience in my discontent are some of the lessons He is teaching me through this experience.

Does that mean I am comfortable here? No, for comfort often leads to complacency and these desires do show that God intends for my life to change. I will not always be as I am. But I can trust that God has me here for a reason and do my work as unto Him. While it may not be comfortable, I can rest and have peace in the fact that this is His will for my life. And that is more than enough.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Factual Friday: Moving!

Fact: I will be occupying my third desk at my company’s office, fourth desk total.

It’s moving day! I am going to be on a new contract at work so that requires relocating me from my desk at the navy base back to our company office in town. I will pack up my things today and truck them over to my new desk at the Willows office. The last time I was working at that office, I never actually had my own desk. I shared two other ladies’ desks at different times since we knew I would be coming on base. Maybe now I can actually get a name plate and business cards!

When you work in the world of government contractors, nothing is a guarantee. It’s kind of like life in general. James reminds us in the Bible that we do not know what tomorrow will bring and that our lives are short in the grand scheme of things, merely vapor (see James 4:13-15). I am not guaranteed my next breath, much less tomorrow. This should be a freeing thought! God has everything under control so I have nothing to worry about, right? Now if only living that belief were as simple as that. :)

So as I relocate and look forward to working on a new contract, I plan on embracing the uncertainty and newness of the whole experience. I like the company I work for and they have worked hard to make the transition as smooth as possible. With God in control, I truly have nothing to worry about. I’m looking forward to settling into my new space and learning the ropes. Now all I have to do is pack up my desk...

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end...”

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Technology Blues

Are face-to-face business meetings really necessary in this age of technology? With the advent of teleconferencing and video conferencing, distance is no longer a barrier for teams located in multiple locations. Just pick up a phone, turn on a computer, and presto! Instant connection! Now, there is something to be said for talking to people in person. Nonverbal communication is an important component in any kind of conversation. So in person meetings are great…for groups located in the same geography. But that’s the point. If you’re all in the same building, the same county even, then there’s no issue. But why make someone drive 1.5 hours one way for a maximum 2 hour meeting then have to drive 1.5 hours back? Especially with all the technological advances of our day! I guess I’m just venting. I had a meeting at the Navy Yard in DC today that could have very well been accomplished via teleconference. In fact, besides putting faces with names, there wasn’t much point in my attendance. But putting faces with names and getting away from my desk was kind of nice. It was also good to see a co-worker that I had worked with until he got transferred to the team out in Annapolis. He and I worked as a team in the field a lot before the decision was made to move him. Before that, his daughter had given birth to twins, one boy and one girl. However, the twins were born with a rare genetic disorder called Zellweger syndrome. They were told it was very rare for children with this to live even one year. But God provided for their birth in the midst of this, allowing them to be born at the only hospital in the country doing research on Zellweger’s. But sometimes God’s plans are not our own. About two months ago, the little girl, Ashley, passed away after only a few months of life. By God’s grace, He allowed her birth and the short time she had with her family. And by His mercy, He brought her back to His side and ended her suffering. But for some reason beyond our simple understanding and reasoning, her brother, Thomas (Tommy), is still with his family. I got to talk with John some today and because of the uncertainty of Tommy’s life their family is celebrating Christmas in July, complete with a tree and decorations. He also talked about how his grandson loves different tastes. He said that they’ll touch a lollipop to his tongue and he loves it! John says that this is the one joy in his young grandson’s life because of the disorder; the boy loves tastes! It seems so often that we overlook the simple pleasures that God has given us in life. I read a line in a book today that stated “Nature is not primarily functional. It is primarily beautiful.” Yet how often do we miss that beauty? If “the heavens declare the glory of God…” (Ps. 19:1a), then how often do we miss God? When’s the last time you slowed down enough to smell the flowers around you? Ate a meal slow enough to savor each taste? Played with a baby and caught their infectious laughter? Took time to hold hands with your sweetheart and just enjoy their presence (one of my personal favorites)? So in retrospect, maybe the meeting wasn’t all that important. Maybe it could have been done by teleconference. But who cares? Tommy’s story puts things in perspective for me. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been too busy to notice. Maybe you have as well. “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matt. 6:27) Take some time to slow down and enjoy life and fellowship with God. Don’t miss out on His presence just because there is a to-do list. Maybe I should pay more attention to my own musings…