Surgery

It's time. 

It took awhile to get scheduled and we had to fiddle with dates, but the day for my surgery has finally arrived. Tomorrow morning, I will check in at CHI Bergan-Mercy hospital in Omaha at 5:30am and should be wheeled back to surgery sometime around 7:30am. Surgery itself will take 6-8 hours (my guess is closer to the 8-hour mark based on all they have to do).

Here are all the procedures they are going to be doing during that time (for more info, see my previous post, Jordan):

0. Uterine fibroid removal

1. Endometriosis removal

2. Appendectomy

3. Ovarian Wedge Resection

4. Bowel Resection

5. Pelvioplasty

If all goes well, I will spend 2 nights in the hospital and should be discharged and back home sometime on Sunday. I will then have my second surgery at Boys Town on Tuesday, February 12th, to remove the gortex surgical mesh.

Prayers are very much appreciated! For my anxiety, that God would help me receive His peace, and for smooth healing. For the surgical team, including the surgeons, Dr. Pakiz and Dr. Fitzgibbons. For Dan and my Mom who will be spending the day at the hospital, waiting for news. For the Munchkin and my Dad who will have school and be spending the day together.

Thank you to everyone who has already reached out to help and encourage us. There is a meal train set up if you would like to help provide meals while I recover from both surgeries. Here is the link: https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/5yd0yw

I am grateful for the answers God has provided in this journey and I'm looking forward to seeing what life will be like post-recovery. Thank you for your many prayers and well wishes! I'll see you on the other side! :)

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan

Normal

Those who know Dan and I know that we both have a science background. When we're tackling a problem, we love having more data. Last week, we received a rather interesting look at another piece of our infertility puzzle.

For years, I've told people that I'm overall pretty healthy with the exception of being overweight. Yes, I was tired almost as soon as I woke up, plucked wiry stray hairs off my chin and neck occasionally, still dealt with acne in my 30’s, but I thought this was my normal. But what if it's not?

We won't be able to discuss it with the doctor until our comprehensive management review post-op appointment in mid-October, but the office sent us a copy of my blood test results from the National Hormone Lab. It was eye-opening to say the least.

Very few of my hormones are actually within the normal range, most of them are too low, one of them is too high. In my assessment, it will probably explain a good chunk of our fertility issues but there's more. You see, this isn't “normal”. My life, my health? Not normal. I cried thinking about it, looking at those results, but maybe not for the reason you're thinking.

I cried because it gave me HOPE.

The way I've felt for years, that I thought was normal? It's not normal! And… What if? What would life be like if those numbers were in a normal range? How much better might I feel than I do now? How life-changing might this be, not just on our infertility journey, but overall?

The final step before an official diagnosis and forming a treatment plan is my diagnostic laparoscopy on Thursday, October 11th. We will then meet with our doctor the following Monday where we might finally get answers we've been looking for all these months and years.

So I'm holding on to the hope that God has given me in the midst of all this. And not only the hope for another baby anymore (though of course I still do), but also the hope of better health. For while my body bears the evidence of sin and the Fall and will never be perfect this side of eternity, I know the Great Physician can still accomplish His Will in spite of whatever my circumstances may be.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan

Piece of the Puzzle

“Knowing a disappointing truth is better than wondering forever.” -Unknown

Over the course of over five years, I have been pregnant only two times. Only one of those babies do we get to hold this side of heaven. In more than over two years of trying since our miscarriage, there has not been a single positive test. Two years is a long time to go with no definitive answers. But that might be about to change.

At the beginning of the year, we found that my thyroid needed a little help to do its job (aka hypothyroidism). Even once the medication dosage was figured out, that treatment did not seem to be improving our fertility problems. My doctor began to suggest IUI might be a good option for us as there seemed to be no explanation for our issues and everything appeared to be fine. However, we didn't feel the same way and were still concerned that there might be underlying health issues that could be missed in jumping to such “solutions”.

In June, we decided to contact a clinic that specializes in solving fertility problems naturally, a place several friends of mine had visited and experienced success in addressing health issues that then led to healthy pregnancies. The Pope Paul VI Institute (PPVI) is an international leader in developing and practicing Natural Procreative Technology (NaProTechnology) and happens to be located just one hour away in Omaha, Nebraska. Our first appointment was set for early August and we began tackling the required preliminaries before that meeting, namely learning the Creighton model of fertility tracking (CrMS). It was frustrating that they wouldn't see us until 60 days after we started using CrMS but, looking back, I can see now how much information it has added to the discussion. It still frustrates me at times, as my perfectionist nature wants everything to be “right”, but I'm learning to trust my judgement more now, three months into it.

Since that first appointment, a battery of tests including bloodwork and ultrasounds have occurred and, later this fall in October, I will have a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery. Even before the testing officially began, it simply felt good to be doing something, to have a plan to discover any underlying health issues, even if it meant becoming a human pincushion and driving to Omaha every day for six days straight for ultrasounds. But all of this may have already turned up at least one piece of the puzzle…

LUFS

It's an acronym I hadn't heard before, even amongst friends that also struggle with infertility issues. It stands for “luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome” and is not terribly common. Information from PPVI says they see it in only 15% of cases where women have regular cycles but still struggle with infertility. Basically, my body will give every sign that a cycle is normal and that I'm ovulating. Basal body temperature, cervical mucus, and even ovulation predictor tests will all look like everything is functioning normally. But when observed through ultrasound, we can see that, while my ovary may develop a follicle, that follicle will not rupture to release the egg.

Being me, I immediately dove into research, reading abstracts of any medical papers I could find that referenced LUFS (yay for PubMed). LUFS was first described in 1978 and can only be diagnosed with laparoscopic surgery or daily ultrasounds around the time of ovulation (how we found mine). Clomid alone, seemingly one of the most popular first steps with doctors when facing infertility, is actually one of the least effective treatment for LUFS.

We haven't met with the doctor yet and probably won't form an actual treatment plan until all the testing is done and we have a complete picture (there's a possibility PCOS is involved as well in all this). But at least for now, it feels satisfying to just have one piece. I'm grateful we don't have to wonder forever.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan

The Shirt

I feel like I can't keep this kid in clothes! Every time I turn around, something is too short, too snug, or just plain too small! It's gotten to the point that when I do his load of laundry each week, I pull out at least one, if not more, pieces of clothing that don't fit (this week, I think I pulled out at least 6).

I've been trying to go through his drawers more regularly of late and rotate out the things I know don't fit. Then I'll pull out things that are the next size larger and move them into rotation. He won't be 4 for another 2 months but I've been removing all the 3T items pretty consistently in favor of 4T and even a good amount of 5T.

That is, except for one shirt...

In the bottom of the back corner of his drawer of shirts, there lives a single 2T shirt. A shirt I know without a shadow of a doubt doesn't fit him. A shirt he only got to wear a couple times over the course of 6 weeks. This shirt.

Until a couple months ago, this shirt was still in his drawer. It lived there for 21 months. Months during which he's told us time and again how he wants another baby (lately it's been a baby sister specifically). Months where he will cradle a stuffed animal or baby doll and call them his baby. It stayed there long after every other 2T shirt was packed away and some 3T too. It stayed there through changing seasons and passing years.

I finally removed it. It was time.

Technically, it was way past time for that shirt to go but it finally came time when I came to terms with that reality. When I came to terms with the fact that removing that shirt did not mean I was removing hope. Because I still have hope.

Hope every month that, even after 2 years of disappointment, I might still get to take a test and see a positive result.

Hope that I'll be able to give my boy the big brother book I still have stashed away for him.

Hope that someday this picture will become a reality and not just playing pretend.

However, my hope isn't in modern medicine, though I avail myself of it. My hope isn't in my cycle charts, though I appreciate all the information they afford me. Because my hope is not in me...

My hope is in the One who time and again has proven Himself faithful; who multiple times provided the miracle of a child to many women throughout the Bible; who is sovereign over even the smallest parts of my body.

"O Lord of hosts, if you will...remember me and not forget your servant..." quoted from 1 Samuel 1:11

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

While I certainly hope and pray daily for a certain outcome in my life, I know that the One who is my Hope transcends even these circumstances and that He is good even if the desired outcome doesn't come. My Hope is not in vain, even when the shirts keep getting outgrown and the tests keep coming out negative. So I continue to hope and pray, for my God is a God of miracles and worthy of my trust.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in him..." Job 13:15a

"For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth." Psalm 71:5

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Tinybeans

I love sharing photos of my Munchkin with friends and family. However, I know sometimes that not everyone wants to see ALL my pictures and that there are inherent security concerns with sharing photos of young children to a wide audience. Also, I'm very much aware that I could be prone to oversharing with very little effort. :) Enter Tinybeans...

I'm really thankful a friend of mine introduced me to Tinybeans. (Thanks, Danielle!) The app allows you to upload daily photos that are then only shared with the people you've added to your distribution list! It limits who is seeing your photos and allows you to give specific permissions to access the journal so you can allow a spouse or grandparent to add photos as well. One of the best things is your friends and family don't need to even download the app! They'll get summary emails send to them each day you upload and they can also access everything and even upload photos (if allowed) through the Tinybeans website (www.tinybeans.com). They can even "heart" moments you share that they love and leave comments!

We've chosen to stick with the free, basic version for now but there is also a premium version. A couple of the differences are with the free version you can only upload 1 photo at a time and videos are limited to 30 seconds. Premium users are allowed longer videos and multiple simultaneous uploads. You can try a free month of Premium access here (and I'll get a month too!): https://tinybeans.app.link/JN85UDpXZz?referralCode=4EYEEY

I have been sharing this little tidbit with many of the new parents in my life. It has been immeasurably helpful in our lives, especially with family scattered across the country. We want them to be able to see our Munchkin as he grows up and with Tinybeans they get a glimpse of just that. It also allows me to share all the photos I want without anyone complaining about "oversharing"! ;)

If you have a little one and want to send pictures to family, especially if they live far away, I highly recommend using Tinybeans!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

This is in no way, shape, or form a sponsored post. I just love it that much! :)

Book review: "The Magic of Motherhood"

I really enjoy reading encouraging blogs that my friends have found or that others have shared with me. Many times they have reminded me that I'm not alone in the trenches of mothering a little one and that what I'm feeling is not crazy (well, except maybe when I am actually feeling a little crazy). There is a lot of truth in the CS Lewis quote:

Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." 

"The Magic of Motherhood" is exactly like this. It's a whole book full of "What? You too?" moments. Written by the moms behind the blog "Coffee + Crumbs", the 33 entries span the experiences of motherhood. There are stories both joyful and sorrowful, recollections of "mommy guilt" and of hard-fought battles won. It is a beautiful gift-style book with beautiful images to complement some of the memorable moments shared within its pages.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened this book. Sure, the subtitle was "The Good Stuff, the Hard Stuff, and Everything in Between" but I still didn't know if it would meet me where I was. However, it didn't take long for me to experience the "what? you too?" feeling as I delved into stories that resonated with me, especially concerning miscarriage or insecurity as a mom. I laughed and cried then laughed some more as I connected with truths about this crazy thing called motherhood and was reminded of the importance in sharing our stories. After all, you never know when someone needs to know they are not the only one. You might even make a new friend ;)

Rating: 5/5 stars!!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Would Have

Dear Sweet Baby,

This past week, we would have celebrated your first birthday (approximately).

We would have gone overboard celebrating you, though maybe not as much as we did with your big brother. We learned our lesson (I think...). There certainly would have been lots of pictures.

We would have let you have too much sugar as you dug into your birthday cake. Would you have investigated this new confection before diving in or done a faceplant right in the middle of it all?

You would have celebrated possibly your first Thanksgiving. We would have loaded your plate with all the fixings, eager to see which you would devour first.

Your big brother would have shown you how yummy olives can be and how to eat them properly (on your fingers, of course!). Would you have liked green olives like your daddy, black olives like me, or both like your brother?

Your Daddy would have snuggled you and taught you about football as we watched the games while your brother pretended to play "Minnesota touchdown". Would you have had your Daddy's slight build or his kind eyes? You would have loved having him as your Daddy.

And me, sweet baby? I would have introduced you to some of the wonderful traditions like snuggling up to watch the Thanksgiving parade on TV in our pajamas with a special breakfast. Would you have loved the music and marching bands or been more interested in the balloons?

You will always be intertwined with Thanksgiving in my heart and mind now, little one. You were our "holidays" baby. We found out about you on St. Patrick's Day, announced to the world you were coming on Easter, and lost you on Mother's Day. Your short life changed so much of ours.

I will always love you. And though I may cry, I will also smile at the "would haves". For, you see, you will always be a part of our family though we never held you.

I can't wait to meet you someday.

Love,
Your Momma

Days of Plenty

On a whim, I recently started rereading "Little Woman" by Louisa May Alcott. I hadn't read it in a long time but have fond memories of it, especially the old, worn copy my mother passed down to me. As I started reading, it reminded me of the "Little Women" Broadway musical production that I had the privilege of seeing many years ago. If you haven't heard of it, I highly recommend checking it out! ;) Sutton Foster! Maureen McGovern! Wonderful songs! :)

Of course, thinking of the musical meant that I had to look up and listen to the soundtrack for it. Some of the songs I remembered, others I had to be reminded of, some I had completely forgotten about. As I scrolled through the list, I saw one that I couldn't remember called "Days of Plenty" and decided to listen to it. I wasn't prepared to be reminded.

Sung here by the original actress for Marmee, Maureen McGovern.

I burst into tears as I listened to this song. As the family mourns the death of dear Beth, Marmee pours out both the depth of her grief and the strength of her resolve to daughter Jo. I couldn't help but draw parallels to the baby I lost last May.

"I never dreamed of this sorrow..."
While we struggled to get pregnant with our first, the pregnancy itself was very smooth and uncomplicated. I knew we'd probably have issues getting pregnant again, but I never dreamed after my first pregnancy that the problems would come after that positive test.

"How I wish I could change the way things went..."
 No other words are needed. I don't know why God asked me to walk this valley, but I do know it's not a road I would've chosen for myself.

"Not this bare emptiness..."
And it feels oh so bare and empty at the moment. It's been more than 10 months (almost 11) since we found out we were pregnant, almost 9 months since we lost that baby. I've lost count of the negative pregnancies tests in that time.

"I wanted days of plenty..."
I wanted to see my son become a big brother, watch my husband hold another child, celebrate every milestone with that baby. First words, first tooth, first steps...days filled with plenty of joy.

"There has got to be meaning, Most of all when a life has been so brief..."
I think this is why I blog so much about this right now. I'm still trying to find the meaning in the tragedy. I told my husband one day that I wish this loss wasn't so all-consuming, especially as we get close to being a year removed from it. I know one day it may not be as raw, but right now, as I search for where to go from here, the weight of it feels suffocating at times.

"You can't let this defeat you, I won't let this defeat you..."
 I feel like this is the pep talk I need to give the woman in the mirror every morning.

"So believe that she mattered and believe that she always will...She will always be with you, she'll be part of the days you've yet to fill..."

My time with them was fleeting but oh-so-meaningful. My baby will always matter. And so does the Munchkin that I have with me. I have been blessed with days of plenty with him and for that I am incredibly grateful. I look forward to the day yet to be filled with his joy and antics.

As I try to find my way forward as the mother of two children, one on earth and one in heaven, I am grateful for the days I have been given with both my children. I pray there will be many more to come with my Munchkin and maybe, someday, days of plenty with a new little one here on earth.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Book Review: "Love Unending"

I had the great privilege of reviewing Becky Thompson's first book "Hope Unfolding" last August. So when I found that her second book, "Love Unending", was also available for review, I jumped at the opportunity to read it! The subtitle for "Love Unending" is "Rediscovering Your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood". Boy, is that right where I am in life at this moment!

The challenge? As Becky puts it: "How can I remember how to be a wife when it takes all I've got to be a momma?" The solution? "...by treating each day as though it were the first day we fell in love". Intentionality, that's the key. Finding what has been lost from putting my relationship in autopilot, by getting in a rut, in order to care for children. But I'll let you read the book itself to discover the nuts and bolts. ;)

Coming off of "Hope Unfolding", I was expecting "Love Unending" to be a similar setup with different chapters covering different aspects of hope/love respectively with a few lines at the end to personally process the information from that chapter and apply it to my life. I have been pleasantly surprised that that was not actually the case. "Love Unending" is instead set up as a 21-day challenge for wives, with each chapter being a task for that day. Some tasks are easier than others, some require positive action while others require more internal reflection. A good mix to inspire different women who are at different places in their lives and individual relationships.

One of the things I really appreciated about the book was how easy it was to pick it back up even if I had missed a day or two...or ten. While each day may build on the previous days, there were typically enough mentions of previous tasks that you could easily remember some of them and pick right back up where you left off.

Overall rating: 5/5, highly recommended for new moms and moms of littles.


I received this book for free from The Crown Publishing Group for this review.

By the Numbers

8 - months since our miscarriage.

7 - anniversary we will celebrate later this year.

6 - months ago that we started trying to get pregnant again, post-miscarriage.

5 - years ago that we started intentionally trying to get pregnant.

4 - blood tests to make sure my body realized I wasn't pregnant anymore last year.

3 - failed rounds of Clomid in as many months to end 2016.

2 - lifetime pregnancies.

1 - one live birth; one miscarriage; one enduring deep desire.

More than one...

Before Dan and I got married, before we were even engaged, we had many of the typical conversations for a couple at that stage. We even had what we called "Awkward Questions Weekend" where we could ask any question on our mind, no matter the subject. Of course, one of those topics included our number of desired children.

At the time, I probably said two or three. After talking about it though, the ultimate answer we arrived at, what we would tell people for months and years to come, was "more than one". We made the choice at that time to not limit what God might do in our lives, but to simply express our desire for multiple children.

All these years later, that desire has not faded. In fact, if anything, it has grown stronger. After the loss of our baby last Mother's Day, we feel even more keenly how incomplete our family is.

That pregnancy was unexpected and, in some ways, miraculous considering some of the variables. However, the circumstances almost make it harder to process what has followed. 6 more months of trying, 3 of those with the aid of fertility medication, but with no positive results.

The desire gnaws.

It is something I carry every day, a part of me I cannot quiet or satiate no matter how much I want to. It tugs at my heart every time I see my son interact with a baby. It screams with every new pregnancy or birth announcement. Others may never see it, but it is still there.

My Munchkin visiting a friend who was 11 days new!

I do not know why God has seen fit to tarry in blessing us with more children. I wish I could see what His plan was. But I do know that to Him, He is not tarrying a single second.

"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."
2 Peter 3:8‭-‬9 ESV
http://bible.com/59/2pe.3.8-9.ESV

So in this time of waiting with unfulfilled desires, I have adopted the motto of a dear friend of mine: "Until God tells me no, I will pray, try, and hope." So that is exactly what we will continue to do. We hope the testing this month brings answers. We hope the month off Clomid will help us reset. We hope that God chooses to bless us with another child sooner rather than later. And maybe, someday, my deferred hope will become a fulfilled hope.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12 ESV
http://bible.com/59/pro.13.12.ESV

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan 

That Question

It's a completely innocent question, usually from strangers. But nowadays...it constantly reopens healing wounds.

Mini Photographer in training
at commencement

"How many kids do you have?" "Is he your only one?"

I didn't even get a reprieve from being asked that during my miscarriage.

He was completely ignorant of the circumstances, how could he be anything but? A college student waiting to play with the band for the commencement ceremony at my sister's college graduation, he was simply enjoying watching my son's antics in the family viewing room. We knew we'd already lost the baby and the next day would confirm that fact. But that day, his question hit me right in the gut.

"Is he your only one?"

I had to make that split second decision. This young man didn't know my struggle and he didn't need to be burdened with it either. "For now" was what I left it at as I teared up. It was hard to say that and feel almost as if I was denying my baby's very existence, but it was all I had to give to a stranger who knew nothing of what was going on in my heart.

I know that my answer will not always be the same. There are those who have walked this road before me and will welcome my acknowledgement of the child I never held.There are those who walked this road with me that will welcome the chance to acknowledge their own losses. But there are also times where grace and compassion for others needs to be foremost in my heart and mind.

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind. Always." (derived from a quote by Ian Maclaren)

He wasn't unkind, I was simply fighting a battle he was unaware of. Everyone around you is. Be kind.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Book Review: Hope Unfolding

Last year in my MOPS group, I met a new friend who had moved here from Colorado. She posted about this book that a blogger she loved had written. Then I found it was available for me to review through one of my programs so based on her glowing remarks about it, I immediately selected it to review. I'm really glad I made that choice.

"Hope Unfolding" by Becky Thompson, the blogger behind "Scissortail Silk", is a wonderful opportunity for moms of young children to have their hearts ministered to and be offered hope by a fellow mom alongside them in the trenches of motherhood. Each chapter is a chance for moms to receive another truth about God and hope in the midst of our mess, chaos, and hard moments.

Many of these chapters spoke directly to where I was at that very moment in life. For example, in Chapter 3 "A Fight for Joy", Becky discusses her first pregnancy, one that ended in miscarriage. We already knew at the time I read that chapter that we had lost our precious baby and 2 days later I would experience my own miscarriage. I cried reading that chapter but it was healing and hopeful. She talks about finding hope "after" and remembering to look for the familiar places in our lives where we know God has been, asking him to show us where he is even in the tough moments.

Each chapter contained moments like this where I could recall times in my life that needed the type of hope Becky was bringing to mind. If these moments hadn't immediately sprung to mind, there were sections at the end of each chapter for reflection and prompts on connecting with the Source of all hope. Her own story is woven seamlessly through the book, unafraid of serving as the example where needed.

Becky has a new book coming out in January titled "Love Unending: Rediscovering your Marriage in the Midst of Motherhood". It's already on my wish list and I can't wait to read that book as well! I really enjoyed how much this book ministered to me and can't wait to see what she has in store for "Love Unending"!

Overall Rating: 5 of 5 stars! :D

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

I received this book for free from The Crown Publishing Group for this review.

Long Term Lessons

So often as parents, we are teaching long term lessons to our children and we're never certain how much they're actually absorbing at any given moment. But then, when we see glimpses of what is taking hold, that what we're doing is actually making an impact...those moments are golden and so worth the struggle.

Obviously, at two years old, we will be working on manners for quite a while. We already have been for some time now and our Munchkin is pretty good about following our prompts and knowing what to say when we remind him. As we fully enter the phase of "That's Mine!" it will be even more important to guide him in learning these lessons but probably also more challenging.

But yesterday (July 26), I had one of those moments, those glimpses, that show what is truly taking root. It was unexpected and beautiful. It was an unsolicited statement with no reminders or prompting.

"Thank you, Mama."

Melt my heart. No matter how many times I've had to repeat myself in asking him to use his manners or ask nicely, hearing those words spontaneously makes it all worth it.

Joanna Gaines, amazing co-star of the fabulous show "Fixer Upper" on HGTV, recently posted an image and caption that went viral addressing this same sentiment. Take a minute to read it (if you haven't seen it already) and allow it to encourage you.

There's an Adonis blue butterfly bush I had planted by the girl's window almost five years ago when we were renovating the farmhouse. I wanted butterflies by the girl's windows that they could see and enjoy. I never told them about the bush and honestly I forgot about it over the years. This morning I found my little Emmie sitting by her window looking excitedly at the bush and saying "Here she is! My little hummingbird comes every morning mom!" First, I didn't know she looked out for her bird every morning. Second, I forgot all about the bush and never told her if she looked out the window she would see the prettiest butterflies and hummingbirds gathered around it. It's hard not to think this is a lot like parenting... You sow seeds early on and work hard to be intentional and then over time you move on to new lessons and challenges. Then one day you look up and the seeds you planted in your little children's hearts are now in full bloom. Be encouraged today to keep pressing in and tending to their hearts. It will be worth it.

A photo posted by Joanna Stevens Gaines (@joannagaines) on Jul 15, 2016 at 7:40am PDT

So keep pouring into those babies, mommas! The harvest may be far off but it will be worth it!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Thy Will

Many of you that read Faith for Wings follow me on Facebook. You rejoiced with us when we announced on Easter that we were expecting another baby. And then you mourned with us when we had to share the news that our baby was no longer viable and had left us.

The day of the ultrasound appointment, Monday, May 2nd, was very hard but also full of God's grace. We had a wonderful ultrasound tech who was kind and sympathetic, apologizing for having to do her job after we knew what was happening. My amazing OB let us sit in her office for as long as we needed and took care of cancelling and scheduling appointments right then and there so we didn't have to worry about doing it. Our parents circled around us via phone when we called to tell them. And then there was the radio station that had no clue how they ministered to us on that hard day.

On Mondays, our local Christian radio station introduces a couple of new songs to their rotation. Typically 2-3 songs each week, they'll add them to the playlist at different times during the day. As I sat down in my car after that appointment to go pick up my son, this song started playing during its first day on that station.

"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now." How true this was then and in the subsequent weeks. None of this has felt anywhere near "good". But I have also clung to one of the other truths in this song: "Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God and I am not." A friend at church said a few Sundays ago that "God knows what he's doing." We have certainly been clinging to that fact. Dan and I have talked several times in the past weeks about God's goodness and sovereignty, His plans and mercy, especially in the midst of a broken world. We may not know the broader picture, but we cling to a God who does.

"I know you see me, I know you hear me, Lord". What comfort in those words! God is not ignorant of my grief or tears. How often the Psalmist proclaims this truth of God's knowing us in the midst of difficult circumstances! Jesus said that those who mourn will be comforted (Matt 5:4). I look forward to the day when every one of my tears is wiped away (Rev. 21: 3-5) but for now I trust that God will not waste this moment in time, this grief, these tears. I still miss my baby and mourn what will not be now. But I also still know He's good, even if my circumstances don't feel good in this moment. That hope...that makes all the difference.

In Loving Memory of Baby X

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Guilty/Not Guilty

Oh, mommas. My heart hurt so much the other day. Let me explain.

My Munchkin has a little buddy that is almost his same age. His mom and I are both first time moms though she is several years my junior. When I saw her the other week to pass along some extra clothes another friend had shared with me, she mentioned that her tyke was sick with the flu and we talked about how hard it is for little ones. Just days later, she called me. Her little guy had shared and now she was sick and, for health reasons, unable to take typical OTC meds that would have helped.

Learning to love the white stuff ;)

We talked for a while about how hard it is to parent when you're sick. I related how my whole family had been sick a couple months ago and how sometimes you have to just dig down deep and find some extra strength to push through and other times you just need to curl up on the couch and watch the little one play. And that's when it happened. She basically asked me if that was okay, if it was okay for her to rest while she was sick. It seems that was the purpose of her call and it broke my heart. I told her that of course it was okay if she laid down and simply watched her boy play instead of pushing herself to engage beyond her energy. Of course it was okay to take care of herself and heal. My heart broke thinking of how many of us feel we need permission to do what is necessary in the face of what we feel we "should" do.

Being a first-time mom can be so hard. Throw in our own, often unrealistic, expectations of ourselves on top of the already hard work of raising littles and often the mommy guilt isn't far behind. We try to keep going, keep moving, keep doing for the sake of feeling accomplished. As a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) sometimes I feel I haven't succeeded if I haven't been constantly going and doing all day long or if I don't have something to physically show for the work I've done. My wonderful husband has really helped me to recognize this guilt when it creeps up and encourages me by helping me see all that I have done, even if it's "only" raising my little adventurer. Sometimes I simply need to realize that making it to the end of the day with a Munchkin that has been loved and fed is enough, even if my house didn't get cleaned or laundry didn't get done. Besides, who doesn't love a pajama day every once in a while? ;)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29, NIV)

Jesus's way is not one of false guilt or running ourselves ragged trying to keep up with everyone and everything. It invites us to rest in Him, to find our strength and expectations outside of ourselves. It draws us into a relationship, not a frenzy of activity or to-do-lists. So let's link arms with the mommas around us and encourage them as they seek to find rest in the hurricane. Raising littles is hard enough already without piling false guilt on ourselves. Let's help each other to lay that burden down at the feet of our Maker and "find rest for [our] souls".

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Book Review: "I Prayed for You" by Jean Fischer

"I Prayed for You" by Jean Fischer is a sweet children's book about all the prayers a mama bear says for her little cub starting before he was even born and as he grows each day. Every spread shares a different prayer, and moms will resonate with the eternally important messages conveyed in those prayers. Beautifully illustrated by Frank Endersby, this sweet book will quickly become a bedtime favorite.

I really enjoyed this book with my little guy. "I Prayed for You" gives mommas a chance to share with their little ones all the different ways they are prayed for as they grow up. My little guy enjoyed seeing Baby Bear do some of the same things that he does, such as playing, snuggling, and getting dressed. We especially like giggling along with Baby Bear when he meets a butterfly for the first time. I like how it gives me an opportunity to let my Munchkin know how much he has been and will be prayed for in his life. Sometimes I get teary reading the prayers for times yet to come in his life, knowing they will be the prayers of my heart as well.

Of note, it was a little different having the story part of the book not rhyme when the corresponding prayers on the opposite page did rhyme. Part of me might have preferred to have it all one way or the other. Otherwise, we really enjoyed this book and I look forward to many more bedtimes with it as our story for the night.

Rating: 4/5 Stars

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Babies Don't Keep

I was in the middle of preparing dinner. The oven was preheating, food processor whirring, and skillet sizzling when I heard the disturbance. My little Munchkin had been peacefully napping...until he woke up screaming. This wasn't the usual "I'm awake, come get me!" cry/scream that I hear when he's ready to be rescued from the crib. No, this was the blood-curdling, "something must be wrong" scream of a hurt or frightened little one. I made sure my burners were off before swooping in and scooping him up in my arms. He snuggled in and held on tight as his cries subsided. He was still tense but as I held him and rocked him, his breathing slowed and he relaxed.

We stayed like that for a long time. His arms stayed firmly around my neck as I snuggled him and rocked in the glider. I thanked God in those moments that I hadn't made it any further in preparing dinner as I didn't want an oven timer to interrupt this quiet moment. He's bigger than he used to be and I realize he won't always want to snuggle. Even now, he can get wrapped up in playing and will try to squirm away if I scoop him up for a hug when he wants to be down and on the move. So I cherished this time of comforting my boy and providing the safety he needed to snuggle and relax while he slowly awoke from his nap. The last line from this poem kept running through my head as I sat there. Dinner could be late and playing could wait, but rocking my baby right then was the most important thing in the world.

 "Babies Don’t Keep"

Author: Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
 
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

The Joy He Carries

Most of us know going into parenthood that we will be teaching our children so many things. How to walk, talk, manners, potty training, reading, driving a car... You get the idea. We also realize that our kids will probably teach us a few things as well, like how to function on minimal sleep, treat a variety of unidentifiable stains, how to hide veggies in food, and the best places to stash treats. We learn what unconditional love looks like and find out just how fiercely protective we can be. But there were things I didn't expect to learn too, things that God has shown me through my son.

Munchkin LOVES music! It is rare that we don't have the radio on at home when he's awake. Thank goodness for our awesome local Christian radio station that has minimal interruptions! I will often catch him clapping or bouncing along to the beat, whether it's music on the radio or the songs his toys play. If I forget to turn on the radio in the car, he will often protest until I remember to do so. But one of his favorite places to experience music is in our church worship service.

Each Sunday, we keep him with us in service until the sermon starts. We've pretty much done this since he was born. As soon as the first song starts, he is hooked. He bounces, claps, waves his arms, kicks his legs, and occasionally squeals in his version of singing along with the praise team. I have had many people tell me how much they enjoy watching him enjoy the music. He has such JOY!! 

One time, while watching him, I began to wonder where my joy had gone. I saw my boy and wanted God to see the same joy in my worship that I saw in his. I think so many of us simply go through the motions on a Sunday morning when it comes to worship for whatever reason. Maybe we're tired, the music is not quite our taste, we had a fight on the way to church, etc...pick your reason. But if God is the source of my joy and he never changes, my circumstances are not to blame for my lack of joy but rather my own choices. No, that doesn't mean I'll always be happy and never sorrowful, but worship is about the one being worshiped and that is why I can still have joy.

So now, maybe I sing a little louder and clap a little more freely. Maybe I bounce and sway with my son a little more and let my circumstances fall where they may. After all, God's in control, right? If I, imperfect though I may be, enjoy watching my child express joy, I want God to have that same enjoyment when I offer up my worship.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan