Piece of the Puzzle

“Knowing a disappointing truth is better than wondering forever.” -Unknown

Over the course of over five years, I have been pregnant only two times. Only one of those babies do we get to hold this side of heaven. In more than over two years of trying since our miscarriage, there has not been a single positive test. Two years is a long time to go with no definitive answers. But that might be about to change.

At the beginning of the year, we found that my thyroid needed a little help to do its job (aka hypothyroidism). Even once the medication dosage was figured out, that treatment did not seem to be improving our fertility problems. My doctor began to suggest IUI might be a good option for us as there seemed to be no explanation for our issues and everything appeared to be fine. However, we didn't feel the same way and were still concerned that there might be underlying health issues that could be missed in jumping to such “solutions”.

In June, we decided to contact a clinic that specializes in solving fertility problems naturally, a place several friends of mine had visited and experienced success in addressing health issues that then led to healthy pregnancies. The Pope Paul VI Institute (PPVI) is an international leader in developing and practicing Natural Procreative Technology (NaProTechnology) and happens to be located just one hour away in Omaha, Nebraska. Our first appointment was set for early August and we began tackling the required preliminaries before that meeting, namely learning the Creighton model of fertility tracking (CrMS). It was frustrating that they wouldn't see us until 60 days after we started using CrMS but, looking back, I can see now how much information it has added to the discussion. It still frustrates me at times, as my perfectionist nature wants everything to be “right”, but I'm learning to trust my judgement more now, three months into it.

Since that first appointment, a battery of tests including bloodwork and ultrasounds have occurred and, later this fall in October, I will have a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery. Even before the testing officially began, it simply felt good to be doing something, to have a plan to discover any underlying health issues, even if it meant becoming a human pincushion and driving to Omaha every day for six days straight for ultrasounds. But all of this may have already turned up at least one piece of the puzzle…

LUFS

It's an acronym I hadn't heard before, even amongst friends that also struggle with infertility issues. It stands for “luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome” and is not terribly common. Information from PPVI says they see it in only 15% of cases where women have regular cycles but still struggle with infertility. Basically, my body will give every sign that a cycle is normal and that I'm ovulating. Basal body temperature, cervical mucus, and even ovulation predictor tests will all look like everything is functioning normally. But when observed through ultrasound, we can see that, while my ovary may develop a follicle, that follicle will not rupture to release the egg.

Being me, I immediately dove into research, reading abstracts of any medical papers I could find that referenced LUFS (yay for PubMed). LUFS was first described in 1978 and can only be diagnosed with laparoscopic surgery or daily ultrasounds around the time of ovulation (how we found mine). Clomid alone, seemingly one of the most popular first steps with doctors when facing infertility, is actually one of the least effective treatment for LUFS.

We haven't met with the doctor yet and probably won't form an actual treatment plan until all the testing is done and we have a complete picture (there's a possibility PCOS is involved as well in all this). But at least for now, it feels satisfying to just have one piece. I'm grateful we don't have to wonder forever.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan

The Shirt

I feel like I can't keep this kid in clothes! Every time I turn around, something is too short, too snug, or just plain too small! It's gotten to the point that when I do his load of laundry each week, I pull out at least one, if not more, pieces of clothing that don't fit (this week, I think I pulled out at least 6).

I've been trying to go through his drawers more regularly of late and rotate out the things I know don't fit. Then I'll pull out things that are the next size larger and move them into rotation. He won't be 4 for another 2 months but I've been removing all the 3T items pretty consistently in favor of 4T and even a good amount of 5T.

That is, except for one shirt...

In the bottom of the back corner of his drawer of shirts, there lives a single 2T shirt. A shirt I know without a shadow of a doubt doesn't fit him. A shirt he only got to wear a couple times over the course of 6 weeks. This shirt.

Until a couple months ago, this shirt was still in his drawer. It lived there for 21 months. Months during which he's told us time and again how he wants another baby (lately it's been a baby sister specifically). Months where he will cradle a stuffed animal or baby doll and call them his baby. It stayed there long after every other 2T shirt was packed away and some 3T too. It stayed there through changing seasons and passing years.

I finally removed it. It was time.

Technically, it was way past time for that shirt to go but it finally came time when I came to terms with that reality. When I came to terms with the fact that removing that shirt did not mean I was removing hope. Because I still have hope.

Hope every month that, even after 2 years of disappointment, I might still get to take a test and see a positive result.

Hope that I'll be able to give my boy the big brother book I still have stashed away for him.

Hope that someday this picture will become a reality and not just playing pretend.

However, my hope isn't in modern medicine, though I avail myself of it. My hope isn't in my cycle charts, though I appreciate all the information they afford me. Because my hope is not in me...

My hope is in the One who time and again has proven Himself faithful; who multiple times provided the miracle of a child to many women throughout the Bible; who is sovereign over even the smallest parts of my body.

"O Lord of hosts, if you will...remember me and not forget your servant..." quoted from 1 Samuel 1:11

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

While I certainly hope and pray daily for a certain outcome in my life, I know that the One who is my Hope transcends even these circumstances and that He is good even if the desired outcome doesn't come. My Hope is not in vain, even when the shirts keep getting outgrown and the tests keep coming out negative. So I continue to hope and pray, for my God is a God of miracles and worthy of my trust.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in him..." Job 13:15a

"For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth." Psalm 71:5

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Tinybeans

I love sharing photos of my Munchkin with friends and family. However, I know sometimes that not everyone wants to see ALL my pictures and that there are inherent security concerns with sharing photos of young children to a wide audience. Also, I'm very much aware that I could be prone to oversharing with very little effort. :) Enter Tinybeans...

I'm really thankful a friend of mine introduced me to Tinybeans. (Thanks, Danielle!) The app allows you to upload daily photos that are then only shared with the people you've added to your distribution list! It limits who is seeing your photos and allows you to give specific permissions to access the journal so you can allow a spouse or grandparent to add photos as well. One of the best things is your friends and family don't need to even download the app! They'll get summary emails send to them each day you upload and they can also access everything and even upload photos (if allowed) through the Tinybeans website (www.tinybeans.com). They can even "heart" moments you share that they love and leave comments!

We've chosen to stick with the free, basic version for now but there is also a premium version. A couple of the differences are with the free version you can only upload 1 photo at a time and videos are limited to 30 seconds. Premium users are allowed longer videos and multiple simultaneous uploads. You can try a free month of Premium access here (and I'll get a month too!): https://tinybeans.app.link/JN85UDpXZz?referralCode=4EYEEY

I have been sharing this little tidbit with many of the new parents in my life. It has been immeasurably helpful in our lives, especially with family scattered across the country. We want them to be able to see our Munchkin as he grows up and with Tinybeans they get a glimpse of just that. It also allows me to share all the photos I want without anyone complaining about "oversharing"! ;)

If you have a little one and want to send pictures to family, especially if they live far away, I highly recommend using Tinybeans!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

This is in no way, shape, or form a sponsored post. I just love it that much! :)

Book review: "The Magic of Motherhood"

I really enjoy reading encouraging blogs that my friends have found or that others have shared with me. Many times they have reminded me that I'm not alone in the trenches of mothering a little one and that what I'm feeling is not crazy (well, except maybe when I am actually feeling a little crazy). There is a lot of truth in the CS Lewis quote:

Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one." 

"The Magic of Motherhood" is exactly like this. It's a whole book full of "What? You too?" moments. Written by the moms behind the blog "Coffee + Crumbs", the 33 entries span the experiences of motherhood. There are stories both joyful and sorrowful, recollections of "mommy guilt" and of hard-fought battles won. It is a beautiful gift-style book with beautiful images to complement some of the memorable moments shared within its pages.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened this book. Sure, the subtitle was "The Good Stuff, the Hard Stuff, and Everything in Between" but I still didn't know if it would meet me where I was. However, it didn't take long for me to experience the "what? you too?" feeling as I delved into stories that resonated with me, especially concerning miscarriage or insecurity as a mom. I laughed and cried then laughed some more as I connected with truths about this crazy thing called motherhood and was reminded of the importance in sharing our stories. After all, you never know when someone needs to know they are not the only one. You might even make a new friend ;)

Rating: 5/5 stars!!

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <http://booklookbloggers.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Would Have

Dear Sweet Baby,

This past week, we would have celebrated your first birthday (approximately).

We would have gone overboard celebrating you, though maybe not as much as we did with your big brother. We learned our lesson (I think...). There certainly would have been lots of pictures.

We would have let you have too much sugar as you dug into your birthday cake. Would you have investigated this new confection before diving in or done a faceplant right in the middle of it all?

You would have celebrated possibly your first Thanksgiving. We would have loaded your plate with all the fixings, eager to see which you would devour first.

Your big brother would have shown you how yummy olives can be and how to eat them properly (on your fingers, of course!). Would you have liked green olives like your daddy, black olives like me, or both like your brother?

Your Daddy would have snuggled you and taught you about football as we watched the games while your brother pretended to play "Minnesota touchdown". Would you have had your Daddy's slight build or his kind eyes? You would have loved having him as your Daddy.

And me, sweet baby? I would have introduced you to some of the wonderful traditions like snuggling up to watch the Thanksgiving parade on TV in our pajamas with a special breakfast. Would you have loved the music and marching bands or been more interested in the balloons?

You will always be intertwined with Thanksgiving in my heart and mind now, little one. You were our "holidays" baby. We found out about you on St. Patrick's Day, announced to the world you were coming on Easter, and lost you on Mother's Day. Your short life changed so much of ours.

I will always love you. And though I may cry, I will also smile at the "would haves". For, you see, you will always be a part of our family though we never held you.

I can't wait to meet you someday.

Love,
Your Momma