Days of Plenty

On a whim, I recently started rereading "Little Woman" by Louisa May Alcott. I hadn't read it in a long time but have fond memories of it, especially the old, worn copy my mother passed down to me. As I started reading, it reminded me of the "Little Women" Broadway musical production that I had the privilege of seeing many years ago. If you haven't heard of it, I highly recommend checking it out! ;) Sutton Foster! Maureen McGovern! Wonderful songs! :)

Of course, thinking of the musical meant that I had to look up and listen to the soundtrack for it. Some of the songs I remembered, others I had to be reminded of, some I had completely forgotten about. As I scrolled through the list, I saw one that I couldn't remember called "Days of Plenty" and decided to listen to it. I wasn't prepared to be reminded.

Sung here by the original actress for Marmee, Maureen McGovern.

I burst into tears as I listened to this song. As the family mourns the death of dear Beth, Marmee pours out both the depth of her grief and the strength of her resolve to daughter Jo. I couldn't help but draw parallels to the baby I lost last May.

"I never dreamed of this sorrow..."
While we struggled to get pregnant with our first, the pregnancy itself was very smooth and uncomplicated. I knew we'd probably have issues getting pregnant again, but I never dreamed after my first pregnancy that the problems would come after that positive test.

"How I wish I could change the way things went..."
 No other words are needed. I don't know why God asked me to walk this valley, but I do know it's not a road I would've chosen for myself.

"Not this bare emptiness..."
And it feels oh so bare and empty at the moment. It's been more than 10 months (almost 11) since we found out we were pregnant, almost 9 months since we lost that baby. I've lost count of the negative pregnancies tests in that time.

"I wanted days of plenty..."
I wanted to see my son become a big brother, watch my husband hold another child, celebrate every milestone with that baby. First words, first tooth, first steps...days filled with plenty of joy.

"There has got to be meaning, Most of all when a life has been so brief..."
I think this is why I blog so much about this right now. I'm still trying to find the meaning in the tragedy. I told my husband one day that I wish this loss wasn't so all-consuming, especially as we get close to being a year removed from it. I know one day it may not be as raw, but right now, as I search for where to go from here, the weight of it feels suffocating at times.

"You can't let this defeat you, I won't let this defeat you..."
 I feel like this is the pep talk I need to give the woman in the mirror every morning.

"So believe that she mattered and believe that she always will...She will always be with you, she'll be part of the days you've yet to fill..."

My time with them was fleeting but oh-so-meaningful. My baby will always matter. And so does the Munchkin that I have with me. I have been blessed with days of plenty with him and for that I am incredibly grateful. I look forward to the day yet to be filled with his joy and antics.

As I try to find my way forward as the mother of two children, one on earth and one in heaven, I am grateful for the days I have been given with both my children. I pray there will be many more to come with my Munchkin and maybe, someday, days of plenty with a new little one here on earth.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Thy Will

Many of you that read Faith for Wings follow me on Facebook. You rejoiced with us when we announced on Easter that we were expecting another baby. And then you mourned with us when we had to share the news that our baby was no longer viable and had left us.

The day of the ultrasound appointment, Monday, May 2nd, was very hard but also full of God's grace. We had a wonderful ultrasound tech who was kind and sympathetic, apologizing for having to do her job after we knew what was happening. My amazing OB let us sit in her office for as long as we needed and took care of cancelling and scheduling appointments right then and there so we didn't have to worry about doing it. Our parents circled around us via phone when we called to tell them. And then there was the radio station that had no clue how they ministered to us on that hard day.

On Mondays, our local Christian radio station introduces a couple of new songs to their rotation. Typically 2-3 songs each week, they'll add them to the playlist at different times during the day. As I sat down in my car after that appointment to go pick up my son, this song started playing during its first day on that station.

"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now." How true this was then and in the subsequent weeks. None of this has felt anywhere near "good". But I have also clung to one of the other truths in this song: "Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God and I am not." A friend at church said a few Sundays ago that "God knows what he's doing." We have certainly been clinging to that fact. Dan and I have talked several times in the past weeks about God's goodness and sovereignty, His plans and mercy, especially in the midst of a broken world. We may not know the broader picture, but we cling to a God who does.

"I know you see me, I know you hear me, Lord". What comfort in those words! God is not ignorant of my grief or tears. How often the Psalmist proclaims this truth of God's knowing us in the midst of difficult circumstances! Jesus said that those who mourn will be comforted (Matt 5:4). I look forward to the day when every one of my tears is wiped away (Rev. 21: 3-5) but for now I trust that God will not waste this moment in time, this grief, these tears. I still miss my baby and mourn what will not be now. But I also still know He's good, even if my circumstances don't feel good in this moment. That hope...that makes all the difference.

In Loving Memory of Baby X

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

RIP Grandma Cottle

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!" ~Jewel the Unicorn, from "The Last Battle", C.S. Lewis 

Grandma Betty Cottle

"The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning." ~Aslan, from "The Last Battle", C.S. Lewis

At our Michigan reception, showing us the doily she made for us

Dear friends, it is with great sadness that I inform you of the passing of Dan's grandmother, Betty Cottle. We will be traveling to Michigan this week for her funeral on Thursday. We mourn our loss but celebrate the Kingdom's gain as she is freed from her suffering and welcomed home into the arms of her Savior. 

"All their life in this world...had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." ~the end of "The Last Battle", C.S. Lewis

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Another Little Angel

Today, I write to you with a sad heart. In my Technology Blues post, I introduced you to my co-worker, John, and his twin grandchildren, Ashley and Tommy, who had a genetic disorder. At the time of that post, Ashley had already passed away and the family was preparing for what time they had left with Tommy. Following is the e-mail we received yesterday, August 17 (last names have been removed for privacy):


To my friends and family, It is with a broken heart that I have to tell you that Thomas (Tommy) Carter G------ has joined his sister Ashley and Grandmother in heaven. Tommy left us at 11:45 AM today. My beloved wife Peggy has both her grandchildren with her now. I will let all of you know what the arrangements are and the charity that my daughter Kitty and Son (Son-in-law) Jaime have chosen. It is best Tommy is not suffering and now can be free of the restrictions his earthly body put on him. God Bless all of you

John


Please pray for this family as they go through the tragic loss of two young lives so close together.

Prayer Request!

I sent this e-mail out yesterday to my list and am posting it here to get more people praying. Thanks everyone! Meg

Sorry to add to your inbox but I wanted to let you know about a special prayer request. We received some sad news this morning after our exam in Worldview that I wanted to share with you. Roc and Bev Bottomly are the couple who teach our Marriage studies class. I was scheduled to meet with Bev one-on-one this week in my first meeting with any of the faculty. However, yesterday, Bev's mom died unexpectedly. Though advanced in years, she was in good health. Roc and Bev have gone to California in order to make arrangements and to attend the funeral. The staff is going to send a card and I think we as students are going to as well. We've had to shuffle classes a bit because of the suddenness but we're keeping both of them and their families in our prayers during this difficult time. It would be much appreciated if this could be included in your prayers as well. Below is the e-mail that Roc sent out to the students this morning. Thank you so much for your prayers and support. In Christ, Meghan

Guys and gals, Thanks so much for your prayers as we head out to Bev's Mom's funeral. We miss you guys, and we'll be back next week.

As you have probably already heard, we'll have two Marriage Studies classes next Thursday, Oct 18 – the one on "Demons, Depravity & Damage" in the morning and the one on "Margin" in the afternoon. The assignments for these two classes will simply be due next week at the beginning of each class.

Regarding my (Roc's) MEN'S GROUP, we will not meet either this week or next week, so our next meeting will be Wednesday, Oct 24 at our normal time and place.

Regarding any appointments this week, we'll reschedule when I get back.

Thanks again for praying for Bev's brother and sister – and for Bev. You only have one Mom, and it's always tough to say "Good bye." But it's also at times like these that we feel deeply how marvelous it is to have the gift of eternal life and the assurance that we'll be reunited when we are "caught up together with them (those who have died in Christ) to meet the Lord in the air."

See you next week.

Roc