Friday, January 13, 2017

By the Numbers

8 - months since our miscarriage.
7 - anniversary we will celebrate later this year.
6 - months ago that we started trying to get pregnant again, post-miscarriage.
5 - years ago that we started intentionally trying to get pregnant.
4 - blood tests to make sure my body realized I wasn't pregnant anymore last year.
3 - failed rounds of Clomid in as many months to end 2016.
2 - lifetime pregnancies.
1 - one live birth; one miscarriage; one enduring deep desire.

More than one...

Before Dan and I got married, before we were even engaged, we had many of the typical conversations for a couple at that stage. We even had what we called "Awkward Questions Weekend" where we could ask any question on our mind, no matter the subject. Of course, one of those topics included our number of desired children.

At the time, I probably said two or three. After talking about it though, the ultimate answer we arrived at, what we would tell people for months and years to come, was "more than one". We made the choice at that time to not limit what God might do in our lives, but to simply express our desire for multiple children.

All these years later, that desire has not faded. In fact, if anything, it has grown stronger. After the loss of our baby last Mother's Day, we feel even more keenly how incomplete our family is.

That pregnancy was unexpected and, in some ways, miraculous considering some of the variables. However, the circumstances almost make it harder to process what has followed. 6 more months of trying, 3 of those with the aid of fertility medication, but with no positive results.

The desire gnaws.

It is something I carry every day, a part of me I cannot quiet or satiate no matter how much I want to. It tugs at my heart every time I see my son interact with a baby. It screams with every new pregnancy or birth announcement. Others may never see it, but it is still there.

My Munchkin visiting a friend who was 11 days new!
I do not know why God has seen fit to tarry in blessing us with more children. I wish I could see what His plan was. But I do know that to Him, He is not tarrying a single second.
"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."
2 Peter 3:8‭-‬9 ESV
So in this time of waiting with unfulfilled desires, I have adopted the motto of a dear friend of mine: "Until God tells me no, I will pray, try, and hope." So that is exactly what we will continue to do. We hope the testing this month brings answers. We hope the month off Clomid will help us reset. We hope that God chooses to bless us with another child sooner rather than later. And maybe, someday, my deferred hope will become a fulfilled hope.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12 ESV

Soli Deo Gloria,

1 comment:

Amanda Elaine Eldridge said...

If you replaced child with "job," this would be my blog post. I have no idea what's at the end of waiting for either of us, but i can only pray God will be made more bright through our trials. I can't imagine your unique pain, but I understand the deferred hope. Praying God hears you (Simon means "God hears, has heard," our hearts cry these past years. He DOES hear. His answers might not be what we expect, but "Aslan is not a tame lion..."

We love you, and pray for you and your sweet family. Thank you for sharing such hard thoughts- I hope even something as "small" as a blog post brings you a little comfort, and I pray God fills that baby-sized hole in your hearts as only He can. ������