By the Numbers

8 - months since our miscarriage.

7 - anniversary we will celebrate later this year.

6 - months ago that we started trying to get pregnant again, post-miscarriage.

5 - years ago that we started intentionally trying to get pregnant.

4 - blood tests to make sure my body realized I wasn't pregnant anymore last year.

3 - failed rounds of Clomid in as many months to end 2016.

2 - lifetime pregnancies.

1 - one live birth; one miscarriage; one enduring deep desire.

More than one...

Before Dan and I got married, before we were even engaged, we had many of the typical conversations for a couple at that stage. We even had what we called "Awkward Questions Weekend" where we could ask any question on our mind, no matter the subject. Of course, one of those topics included our number of desired children.

At the time, I probably said two or three. After talking about it though, the ultimate answer we arrived at, what we would tell people for months and years to come, was "more than one". We made the choice at that time to not limit what God might do in our lives, but to simply express our desire for multiple children.

All these years later, that desire has not faded. In fact, if anything, it has grown stronger. After the loss of our baby last Mother's Day, we feel even more keenly how incomplete our family is.

That pregnancy was unexpected and, in some ways, miraculous considering some of the variables. However, the circumstances almost make it harder to process what has followed. 6 more months of trying, 3 of those with the aid of fertility medication, but with no positive results.

The desire gnaws.

It is something I carry every day, a part of me I cannot quiet or satiate no matter how much I want to. It tugs at my heart every time I see my son interact with a baby. It screams with every new pregnancy or birth announcement. Others may never see it, but it is still there.

My Munchkin visiting a friend who was 11 days new!

I do not know why God has seen fit to tarry in blessing us with more children. I wish I could see what His plan was. But I do know that to Him, He is not tarrying a single second.

"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."
2 Peter 3:8‭-‬9 ESV
http://bible.com/59/2pe.3.8-9.ESV

So in this time of waiting with unfulfilled desires, I have adopted the motto of a dear friend of mine: "Until God tells me no, I will pray, try, and hope." So that is exactly what we will continue to do. We hope the testing this month brings answers. We hope the month off Clomid will help us reset. We hope that God chooses to bless us with another child sooner rather than later. And maybe, someday, my deferred hope will become a fulfilled hope.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12 ESV
http://bible.com/59/pro.13.12.ESV

Soli Deo Gloria,

Meghan 

Hardest Words

A couple of months back, I heard some of the hardest words a woman of child-bearing age who wants to have children could hear...

We've been going through some testing to try and find out why we've been unable to have children after more than a year (almost two years) of trying (more on that here). We've poured out our hearts to God about our desire for this blessing and many friends have joined us in approaching the throne of grace with this request.

We decided on a course of action with my doctor. We had blood work done. I had an HSG test (x-ray scan). Everything came back normal with no statistically significant deviations. When my doctor called to discuss the latest results and next steps, we had our initial diagnosis...

Unexplained Infertility.

What my heart heard: "We have no clue why you aren't pregnant already..."

I'll tell you, it's not quite what I expected. It's only the initial, easy tests of course, but still. I guess I thought if there was anything actually wrong that it would come up by now. I assumed it would be an easy issue that would resolve with just a few more pieces of information, more data. I assumed wrong.

So now we move forward in faith. We're discussing next steps with my doctor and will soon choose a path to follow. We've started to discuss at what point we stop any medical treatments and begin pursuing adoption.We continue to pray and lay our hearts out before God. We know that He has a plan for us.

It may not make this journey any easier, but it is reassuring to know that my tear-soaked prayers are heard by the One who loves me most. May God see fit to bless us in His timing.

"She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan

Factual Friday: 34th

Fact: According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA), this past summer (June-August 2009) saw below average temperatures for the U.S., making it the 34th coolest summer on record (records date back to 1895). Read the summary here.

If you were like me and thought summer was a little cooler than normal, NOAA says you’re right. Apparently, the average United States temperature for the (meteorological) summer months was 0.4°F below the average for the 20th century. Some states still had warm summers (Florida had its 4th warmest), but based on the mean temperatures for the contiguous 48 states, we came in below “normal”.

What makes this even more amazing is the placement of an overwhelming majority of the Association’s weather gauges. If you want to see some of them, watch this video. (Special thanks to Stuart Shepard and CitizenLink at Focus on the Family!) :)

If the majority of the sensors are placed so they’re picking up radiated heat from their environment and they still registered temperatures that put us below average for the summer...we definitely had a cool summer!

So, yes, this is me at my geekiest. :) Told you I loved weather. But I think there’s more to this than just my love of weather and attempt to come up with another interesting fact for this Friday.

Twice in the book of Proverbs, God addresses honesty in measurements:

Proverbs 11:1 “The LORD abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.”

Proverbs 20:23 “The LORD detests differing weights, and dishonest scales do not please him.”

Obviously, I don’t believe this just applies to weighing items or even to temperature measurements for that matter. God values honesty in all of our dealings, whether business or personal.

But how often are we tempted to stretch the truth just a bit? “It’s only a ‘white’ lie,” we tell ourselves. But who have we cheated by using this argument, this “dishonest scale”? Ourselves, surely. God, most definitely. But it affects other people as well. It can affect your co-workers, your family, your friends, even casual acquaintances.

Everyone loses when honesty drops out of the picture.

Soli Deo Gloria,
Meghan