Of course, thinking of the musical meant that I had to look up and listen to the soundtrack for it. Some of the songs I remembered, others I had to be reminded of, some I had completely forgotten about. As I scrolled through the list, I saw one that I couldn't remember called "Days of Plenty" and decided to listen to it. I wasn't prepared to be reminded.
Sung here by the original actress for Marmee, Maureen McGovern.
I burst into tears as I listened to this song. As the family mourns the death of dear Beth, Marmee pours out both the depth of her grief and the strength of her resolve to daughter Jo. I couldn't help but draw parallels to the baby I lost last May.
"I never dreamed of this sorrow..."
While we struggled to get pregnant with our first, the pregnancy itself was very smooth and uncomplicated. I knew we'd probably have issues getting pregnant again, but I never dreamed after my first pregnancy that the problems would come after that positive test.
"How I wish I could change the way things went..."
No other words are needed. I don't know why God asked me to walk this valley, but I do know it's not a road I would've chosen for myself.
"Not this bare emptiness..."
And it feels oh so bare and empty at the moment. It's been more than 10 months (almost 11) since we found out we were pregnant, almost 9 months since we lost that baby. I've lost count of the negative pregnancies tests in that time.
"I wanted days of plenty..."
I wanted to see my son become a big brother, watch my husband hold another child, celebrate every milestone with that baby. First words, first tooth, first steps...days filled with plenty of joy.
"There has got to be meaning, Most of all when a life has been so brief..."
I think this is why I blog so much about this right now. I'm still trying to find the meaning in the tragedy. I told my husband one day that I wish this loss wasn't so all-consuming, especially as we get close to being a year removed from it. I know one day it may not be as raw, but right now, as I search for where to go from here, the weight of it feels suffocating at times.
"You can't let this defeat you, I won't let this defeat you..."
I feel like this is the pep talk I need to give the woman in the mirror every morning.
"So believe that she mattered and believe that she always will...She will always be with you, she'll be part of the days you've yet to fill..."
My time with them was fleeting but oh-so-meaningful. My baby will always matter. And so does the Munchkin that I have with me. I have been blessed with days of plenty with him and for that I am incredibly grateful. I look forward to the day yet to be filled with his joy and antics.
As I try to find my way forward as the mother of two children, one on earth and one in heaven, I am grateful for the days I have been given with both my children. I pray there will be many more to come with my Munchkin and maybe, someday, days of plenty with a new little one here on earth.
Soli Deo Gloria,