The day of the ultrasound appointment, Monday, May 2nd, was very hard but also full of God's grace. We had a wonderful ultrasound tech who was kind and sympathetic, apologizing for having to do her job after we knew what was happening. My amazing OB let us sit in her office for as long as we needed and took care of cancelling and scheduling appointments right then and there so we didn't have to worry about doing it. Our parents circled around us via phone when we called to tell them. And then there was the radio station that had no clue how they ministered to us on that hard day.
On Mondays, our local Christian radio station introduces a couple of new songs to their rotation. Typically 2-3 songs each week, they'll add them to the playlist at different times during the day. As I sat down in my car after that appointment to go pick up my son, this song started playing during its first day on that station.
"I know You're good, but this don't feel good right now." How true this was then and in the subsequent weeks. None of this has felt anywhere near "good". But I have also clung to one of the other truths in this song: "Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God and I am not." A friend at church said a few Sundays ago that "God knows what he's doing." We have certainly been clinging to that fact. Dan and I have talked several times in the past weeks about God's goodness and sovereignty, His plans and mercy, especially in the midst of a broken world. We may not know the broader picture, but we cling to a God who does.
"I know you see me, I know you hear me, Lord". What comfort in those words! God is not ignorant of my grief or tears. How often the Psalmist proclaims this truth of God's knowing us in the midst of difficult circumstances! Jesus said that those who mourn will be comforted (Matt 5:4). I look forward to the day when every one of my tears is wiped away (Rev. 21: 3-5) but for now I trust that God will not waste this moment in time, this grief, these tears. I still miss my baby and mourn what will not be now. But I also still know He's good, even if my circumstances don't feel good in this moment. That hope...that makes all the difference.
In Loving Memory of Baby X
Soli Deo Gloria,